Love Dare: Day 3 Love is not Selfish

   Well, I need to first backtrack to Day 2.
  I wrote my dare yesterday before the day was complete and it ended horribly.
I ended up getting into a huge fight with him about some personal things (I won't go into detail for privacy reasons)  that I thought we were over, but the wound was cut open again and I felt betrayed, lied to and heart broken.
The enemy definitely had a strong hold on both of us last night and we fought....hard!
I ended up saying negative words and so did he and that wasn't at all how I wanted our day to end, especially since I had just started this journey and it's only day 2!
   I then had to go to work after getting into the fight & ended up having an anxiety attack and going home early because the pain was too much too bare. I couldn't get "out of my head" and if you have dealt with anxiety, you know exactly what I'm talking about. It's debilitating! I was praying out loud for God to get me through it and almost hyperventilating at the same time. I couldn't have customers or my-coworkers seeing me in that state, so I left. On my way home, I dropped off a letter to him explaining that even though I'm very hurt, I'm still not giving up on him or our family.

  We fought so bad and I did end up saying negative words out of the hurt I was feeling and that was one of the things I was "dared" not to do and I didn't even last 2 days. I was disappointed in myself and angry with him. EVERYTHING just hurt to the core of my heart.
Then the worst news hit me....He told me that he is most likely filing for divorce and already has the paperwork together and just needs to file it. That he has no intention of working on our marriage any longer and that we need to work on just being friends and co-parents and working on our own journeys with God. My. heart. broke...

  I'm not sharing in these details to have anyone be mad or upset with either of us. As I have always said, it has taken both of us not investing in our marriage the way we should have that has gotten us to this point. I'm just trying to be brave and show the true, honest struggles of a marriage.
  He apologized for being in the wrong for what he did and I told him that it would take time to trust that.  But...God pulled heavy on my heart all night and into the morning and reminded me that...
                                                 LOVE IS ABOUT FORGIVENESS!

   I didn't sleep at all. I prayed, I cried and I read the Love Dare chapter I was on, over and over again. I focused on what God was trying to get me to see, understand and learn and reminded myself that there is going to be rejection in my journey.
That was how day 2 ended........

  

DAY 3- Love is not selfish.

Today's Dare

Whatever you put your time, energy, and money into will become more important to you.  It's hard to
care for something you are not investing in.  Along with restraining from negative comments, buy your spouse something that says "I was thinking of you today."

  Well, after a sleepless night and wondering how I'm going to find strength to do day 3 (even after my husband told me to stop and to not even do day 3 because I failed day 2) , I prayed in the morning and asked God to help me and I prayed FOR my husband.

   I need to share something with you that has hit me hard and I have to keep reminding myself....
"It is really difficult to demonstrate love when you feel little to no motivation, especially when you're being rejected. But love in its truest sense is not based on feelings, but a determination to show thoughtful actions, even when there seems to be no reward." -Fireproof The Movie

  So with that in mind, I peeled myself off my tear soaked pillow, brushed myself off and I got out of bed at 7:30am, grabbed a coffee and I knew what God wanted me to do. 

  I don't have any money to buy him anything but I knew God was asking me to give him something I know he NEEDED. For ME to learn to love sacrificially...
    So I headed to his house at 8am and washed his jeep for him. Yes, the one thing I have always hated doing and never did! 
I got out the bucket, soap, scrubber and the hose and washed it for over an hour. And you know what.....I've never enjoyed washing a car so much in my life! I didn't knock on the door to tell him I was doing it until AFTER I was done with the job and that was to ask for the vacuum in the house so I could vacuum the inside of his jeep. He was a little shocked I could tell and said thank you, but he had just done that a few days prior. So I just vacuumed out my own quick and I left.

    I then headed straight to church to my women's growth group. Today our lesson was "Love is Forgiving"... Wow! How appropriate...jeez, give it to me God! He always knows when we need to hear things! 
In the beginning of our session we all share things that are going on in our lives so we can pray for one another or just to be a great support system and I wasn't going to share anything, but God literally opened my mouth for me. All I said was...I have a prayer request and most of you know that my husband and I are currently separated..." and in front of 10 women, I burst into tears. I couldn't finish talking and took what felt like forever to compose myself and finish telling them the weight of my problem I walked in with. After explaining my burden and struggle of wanting so badly for my marriage to work and my husband telling me he wants a divorce and how desperate & rejected I felt and wondering when I stopped being good enough for my husband? Sharing with them what I had just got done doing for him right before I came in and that I'm in the process of learning how to love sacrificially....
I looked up and EVERY SINGLE woman in that room was crying.... 
They all felt my pain and we all cried together.... 

   I am being constantly reminded of Gods mercy and grace for me. That he is not abandoning me and that I'm not alone. I am a sinner too and today he slapped me in the face with His reminder of how much He has forgiven me for my constant faults and imperfections and that I can't forgive my husband on my own...
I need God's strength.

This is a prayer that we were given today. It's a prayer for anyone that you need to forgive. A spouse, friend, parent, etc....just insert their name in the blank.

Dear Lord,
I may not forget, but I'm choosing to forgive (insert name). I realize trust may take time to rebuild, but I choose to not hold grudges. Help me to let go of bitterness or anger in my heart. Give me your grace that I may relinquish my "right" to get even. Help me understand that you have forgiven me and that I can forgive (insert name) through you. I trust your power to do that. Now, Lord, I ask you to bless (insert name). God, please replace my hurt with your healing. Replace my pain with your peace. Replace my loss with your love. May the past truly be past, in Jesus name, Amen.

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