Before I had Christ in my life, I was confused, alone and always yearning for something missing in my heart. I grew up in a broken home, with abuse, addiction, instability and divorce. From a very young age, I had to learn how to rely on myself and take care of my younger siblings. My grandma was a huge blessing in my life because she introduced us to God. She brought us to church & did her best to instill The Lord into our lives, but because we never put anything into practice at home on a regular basis, We never really understood Christ's teachings and how to apply them in our lives.
In my late teens, I took advantage of the first opportunity to leave home. Over the years, I ended up traveling the world and seeing some of Gods most beautiful creations and no matter where I ended up, I always felt unfulfilled and alone. I lived in Los Angeles for many years. I had a lifestyle that many would've envied, living by the beach and working in the fashion industry, it was a fast paced life! But that was the time when I felt the loneliest in my life. I turned to drugs, sex, and alcohol to fill the emptiness in my life. It would be a temporary fix and a downward spiral. I woke up so many mornings regretting my decisions from the night before and feeling more insecure and alone.
When my husband and I started dating, is when I came to know Christ. I always felt spiritual, taking bits and pieces of this and that religion and making it my own spiritual melting pot. No wonder I was so lost and confused! The biggest attraction I had for my husband (besides his amazingly good looks!), was his intense love for God! He would always talk about Christ's teachings and Gods forgiveness and redemption for all of us. It made me jealous at times because I yearned so badly to feel that closeness and love for God. I started going to church on a regular basis, but I still didn't trust God completely. I never fully surrendered myself because I had an intense fear of giving up control.
Through the years of our marriage, I got more involved in church, the growth groups and became a teacher for kids ministry, but in my heart, I never fully surrendered to The Lord. The thing that suffered the most from this, was my marriage. It may have looked good from the outside, but we didn't put Christ as the center of our marriage. We weren't the husband and wife we needed to be for one another. We were constantly fighting IN our marriage and not FOR our marriage. It began and to crack and crumble and we were becoming more distant toward each other. The physical and emotional connection was gone and we both felt alone, resentful and angry toward one another. We were both guilty of being selfish, prideful and ego-filled.
We were on the brink of divorce. The day I surrendered myself completely to Christ was the day I found out that divorce papers had been written up. I was completely devastated and my heart was broken. I was on my knees sobbing and crying out to God asking him, WHY?!
I was angry with my husband and so disappointed in myself that I allowed our marriage to get to this point. This is not what I imagined for my life, my family or my marriage. I loved my husband and kept wondering, "when did I stop being enough to fight for?"
In the last 3 months God has stripped me of all my comforts, has broken me down completely and made me only rely on His strength to build me back up and surrender to His will in my life. Since then, I have started writing and sharing my story and my struggles. It has helped me cope and has reached others that are currently going through struggles and have gone through similar situations and is helping us all not feel alone in our pain. God has also called me to do the Love Dare for my husband and I'm currently on day 30. It's incredibly difficult, but pushes me and challenges me to not give up, because God never gave up on me. Through this I have learned what it means to completely surrender to Gods will and learned to love sacrificially, even when I get nothing in return.
I still have days where I fail miserably because I let my selfishness and pride get the best of me. I have learned that we will never be the perfect spouse we need each other to be and we need to make room for the imperfections and unrealistic expectations.
I hope that through my journey I can be transparent in my struggles and not be ashamed of them and it can help others draw closer to The Lord. That I can humbly show Gods work being done in our lives and be examples of how God can heal all wounds when we allow Him to. It is only because of the Lords love for me that I am here today being baptized in front of my church family and dedicating to live out the rest of my life for my savior Jesus Christ!
(Start around the 22min mark)
http://crossroadsgrace.org/messages/mobilevideo.php?id=440
No comments:
Post a Comment