Today's Dare
If at all possible, try to initiate sex with your husband or wife today. Do this in a way that honors what your spouse has told you (or implied to you) about what they need from you sexually. Ask God to make this enjoyable for both of you as well as a path to greater intimacy.Reading over this chapter, it shares about how God has a lot to say about sex in the Bible. It talks about the restrictions before marriage and the blessings it can give us with our spouse.
Before my husband and I got married we had pre-marital sex. You may think this is too much info to share, but I feel it's important to know because it shapes the way a couple is after they are married I unity. And most couples in society today are the same.
At the time, I didn't think this was a big deal at all and actually encouraged it, (that was before I became a Christ follower). I never understood the thought process of holding off till marriage, I thought this was only for "radical Christians" and who would ever wait that long! Now being married and a Christian, I completely understand the process and devotion of saving yourself for the one person that God will give you as a spouse to share all those very special experiences with. I will encourage and raise both my kids up to respect their bodies and the bodies of the opposite sex and that isn't something to just give away and it isn't meaningless.
I had sexual experiences and emotional damage happen from them before I was with my husband. Most of them just meaningless and trying to use sex to fill a void of something missing in my life and just wanting to feel loved. I know that is something very personal to tell, but I feel a lot of other people have experienced the same thing and honesty is healing. I carried all those past hurts with me of giving myself away throughout my life and soon had so much emptiness I had nothing left to give and felt more alone than ever. That's why the importance of saving yourself for your spouse is so important. You aren't bringing in damage from past hurts into your marriage when you are pure for your spouse. That's why "the marriage bed is to be undefiled" (Hebrews 13:4) we are not to share this experience with anyone else.
Fast forward to the year we got married. That same year, we also had our son and I moved from Los Angeles to northern California. I had no friends or family near me. It was a VERY hard year for me. After I had my son, I developed terrible post-partum depression. I feel this is only just now starting to get talked about more in the media in the last few years, but if you have been so unlucky to have this happen to you, it is NOT the baby blues! It was almost 2 years of me being emotionally numb and unresponsive to things I knew I should've been upset about or cared more about (like my husbands needs), being on multiple anti-depressants and my husband and I grew apart emotionally and physically. I NEVER wanted to have sex and it had nothing to do with my husband! He did everything he could to help me and we would talk about it and it we would both be frustrated. I could honestly go a month without thinking about sex. It was the furthest thing on my mind every day. We had a great love life beforehand and we were made perfectly for each other in the intimacy department, and then all of a sudden a dark cloud took over my mind and I didn't feel anything but withdrawn and not myself for a very long time. It wasn't something I did on purpose and I hated being in that state of "numbness" during that period. It in turn was hurting my husbands ego as the leader of our home and our connection as husband and wife.
This is when it started to go south in our marriage. I eventually got better, but the damage from that period of time on both of us was so detrimental, it was hard to erase the hurt. I felt so much guilt for not being there for him for so long and I didn't know how to make it better and repair the hurt I caused him by not nurturing him and showing him love on a regular basis when he needed it.
I know this is a problem that many married couples have and that's why I feel it's important to be honest about. Since I've started this Love Dare many women have privately connected with me about their struggles in their marriage as well and it's heartbreaking to hear their stories. Real life situations of infidelity, abuse, feeling inadequate and couples that don't have sex or have any intimacy at all. But one thing was the same in all of them...they are all fighting to still stay together and heal from the damage and hurt.
Sex is not to be used as a bargaining tool or to be with held from the other. We are to serve one another and meet each other's sexual needs as husband and wife. Just read the songs of Solomon, what a beautiful love story! It's so passionate! (and to be honest, very sexually detailed for a story in the bible.) The very first chapter says,"let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth", "how handsome you are, my beloved", "how beautiful you are, my darling"...it's a love letter in great detail!
I know from personal experience it's not always easy to do the things we know we should for our spouse and we will never completely fulfill their every need and desire. I will be completely honest and take responsibility for my part of not fulfilling all my husbands needs. For that I feel huge guilt. This is something I greatly struggle with, but I know as I grow in my relationship with Christ, that with Him as my center it's NOT impossible to heal from the past hurts and try my best to be there for my husband when he needs me. Even if I haven't done it in the past as much as I should, our God is a great healer and one that can unite a couple when both open their hearts to let Him.
http://www.klove.com/blog/post/2010/02/06/Love-Dare-Day-32.aspx
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