God has other plans...a lesson in humility and TRUST.

    I recently accepted a volunteer position at a local pregnancy center to start training to become an advocate (counselor) for women that have unplanned pregnancies. I felt really strongly that God was leading me there and the door was wide open for me on this, so i prayed about it for weeks before making the decision to act on it. At this same time, I have also accepted another position leading a women's ministry group at church that I was personally asked to take over. I knew both of these opportunities would be a huge emotional investment on top of the emotional stress of being separated from my husband.

    I have been so excited & eager to go through this training to help other women, because I have a huge heart to give. I feel I have a lot of life experience and a lot to offer in this opportunity and I could be a great asset to the center. That's why I felt God was pulling me toward there. I had just finished up Dare 33, which talks about getting counsel and perspective from your spouse and working together in making decisions, but ultimately the husband has the responsibility to make the final decision for his family. This is something I didn't do in this case. I TOLD him what I was doing instead of ASKING his thoughts about it. So 2 days ago, he sent me a very long text and explained to me in a very loving way that, even though I was very excited about this opportunity, he didn't think I was emotionally ready to do it at this time, (with everything else going on). He didn't think I would be able to give the girls what they needed when Me myself still had a lot of things I had to straighten out at home and in my own relationship. He asked me not to respond and just pray about it and really seek God's guidance in this decision.

     Well, after just earlier that day I had apologized to him for not allowing him to always take the lead in our family and fighting with him on decisions and trying to do things my way, I knew the Holy Spirit was speaking through him. It was an opportunity for me to put aside what I wanted and desired and follow my husbands advice. Especially, if I really meant what I said to him just earlier that day. God was giving me an opportunity to show him that I TRUSTED him and that I needed to learn to be humble in it.

      So yesterday, I went to his house in the morning before I headed off to my first day volunteering at the center, to talk to him about it. I told him my thoughts and that I really felt that was a place God was leading me but if he REALLY thinks I'm not ready to take on the training right away, then I wouldn't do it. He said, "Its not that I don't want you to do it, just not at this moment, so maybe later. Take it slow." We came up with the compromise that I could still volunteer at the center, but start slow- doing just stuff around the office or whatever they need help with and feel it out. Then later on, when I'm ready I can start the training process and start working one on one with the clients. This isn't initially what I wanted, but I knew I had to trust his decision.
    I headed to the center, spoke with the Director about my change of plans and explained to her why. Since its a Christian based center, she completely understood where I was coming from. She said no problem and that she has lots of projects that need to get done. then while I was there, a client called and the director answered the phone. The client informed her that her baby has passed away....
The director was spiritually prepared, said her condolences and prayed with her. I knew right then that my husband was right! If I would've answered that phone, I would've lost it emotionally. It was a hard realization that I needed to learn humility and that I wasn't as ready as I thought I was. This is sometimes a really hard lesson to learn. Especially when we want to always think that we know whats best for us. My husband allowed the Holy Spirit to work through him and confront me on something that I desired so badly. It could've ended horribly and I could've said, "No, I"m going to do it MY way!" Instead, i had to learn to be humble and trust that my husband has a great responsibility to lead me in Gods way. I need to be obedient to allow the trust and love to be rebuilt in our marriage.

Day 33: Love Completes Each Other

Today's Dare

Recognize that your spouse is integral to your future success.  Let them know today that you desire to include them in your upcoming decisions, and that you need their perspective and counsel.  If you have ignored their input in the past, admit your oversight and ask them to forgive you.



      There is a few sentences in this chapter that stood out to me that I kept reading over and over, "Love must be willing to act alone if necessary, it is always better when it's not just a solo performance. Love can function on its own if there is no other way, but there is a "more excellent way" (1 Corinthians 12:31). 
   This tells me that marriage should be 100/100, both in complety! But sometimes it's 60/40 or 80/20. When one partner is weak, the other NEEDS TO BE STRONGER. We are called to lift up and encourage one another, especially if one is struggling for any reason. "Two are better than one because they have a good return on their labor. For if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion."(Ecc. 4:9)
Jesus lifts us up and carries us when we fall, our spouse is called to do the same. We are imperfect people and imperfect spouses. Marrying someone means you are accepting their imperfections and promising to help them through any struggle. Not push them away when those struggles or disagreements happen. 

   We all have differences and in our marriages. Some more than others. Our differences can compliment each other if we let them or tear us further and further apart. We each have things we do better than our spouse and we can't let our differences cause conflict. We need to learn to embrace our spouses gifts that are different than our own. (This can be incredibly difficult, especially for an OCD person like myself that is used to having things done a certain way. Haha!)
I have been guilty of not taking my husbands advice and ignoring his input so many times! I know that when we were together, he only wanted the best for me and our family. Sometimes, I didn't understand his logic for something and went the other way. That was wrong of me and God calls me to have total trust in my husband as the leader of our family. I guess sometimes you just have to learn things through your own mistakes and do better next time. 

     We have had so many wasted opportunities in our marriage to embrace the others "gifts" and wasted opportunities to spend time with one another as a family because we can't get past those differences and we allow the hurt and pride to take over. But it takes both husband and wife to work together to progress forward in the marriage. You have to BOTH agree to never give up on one another, no matter what. Marriage will never sustain through all the stress and hardships that life throws at you if one of you gives up when it gets tough, even when "tough" lasts for a few years. Life is tough and it's never blissful 100%. 

   Just because we haven't complimented our spouses differences in the past and embraced their gifts, doesn't mean we can't change and make the effort to do it- starting from today! It's a lifelong journey of learning and re-learning. Our God is a God of 2nd chances and renewal, we just have to be open to His healing!




http://www.klove.com/BLOG/post/2010/02/07/Love-Dare-Day-33.aspx

Love Dare: Day 32 Love Meets Sexual Needs

Today's Dare

If at all possible, try to initiate sex with your husband or wife today.  Do this in a way that honors what your spouse has told you (or implied to you) about what they need from you sexually.  Ask God to make this enjoyable for both of you as well as a path to greater intimacy.


   Reading over this chapter, it shares about how God has a lot to say about sex in the Bible. It talks about the restrictions before marriage and the blessings it can give us with our spouse. 
Before my husband and I got married we had pre-marital sex. You may think this is too much info to share, but I feel it's important to know because it shapes the way a couple is after they are married I unity. And most couples in society today are the same. 
At the time, I didn't think this was a big deal at all and actually encouraged it, (that was before I became a Christ follower). I never understood the thought process of holding off till marriage, I thought this was only for "radical Christians" and who would ever wait that long! Now being married and a Christian, I completely understand the process and devotion of saving yourself for the one person that God will give you as a spouse to share all those very special experiences with. I will encourage and raise both my kids up to respect their bodies and the bodies of the opposite sex and that isn't something to just give away and it isn't meaningless.
   I had sexual experiences and emotional damage happen from them before I was with my husband. Most of them just meaningless and trying to use sex to fill a void of something missing in my life and just wanting to feel loved. I know that is something very personal to tell, but I feel a lot of other people have experienced the same thing and honesty is healing. I carried all those past hurts with me of giving myself away throughout my life and soon had so much emptiness I had nothing left to give and felt more alone than ever. That's why the importance of saving yourself for your spouse is so  important. You aren't bringing in damage from past hurts into your marriage when you are pure for your spouse. That's why "the marriage bed is to be undefiled" (Hebrews 13:4) we are not to share this experience with anyone else.

    Fast forward to the year we got married. That same year, we also had our son and I moved from Los Angeles to northern California. I had no friends or family near me. It was a VERY hard year for me. After I had my son, I developed terrible post-partum depression. I feel this is only just now starting to get talked about more in the media in the last few years, but if you have been so unlucky to have this happen to you, it is NOT the baby blues! It was almost 2 years of me being emotionally numb and unresponsive to things I knew I should've been upset about or cared more about (like my husbands needs), being on multiple anti-depressants and my husband and I grew apart emotionally and physically. I NEVER wanted to have sex and it had nothing to do with my husband! He did everything he could to help me and we would talk about it and it we would both be frustrated. I could honestly go a month without thinking about sex. It was the furthest thing on my mind every day. We had a great love life beforehand and we were made perfectly for each other in the intimacy department, and then all of a sudden a dark cloud took over my mind and I didn't feel anything but withdrawn and not myself for a very long time. It wasn't something I did on purpose and I hated being in that state of "numbness" during that period. It in turn was hurting my husbands ego as the leader of our home and our connection as husband and wife.
    This is when it started to go south in our marriage. I eventually got better, but the damage from that period of time on both of us was so detrimental, it was hard to erase the hurt. I felt so much guilt for not being there for him for so long and I didn't know how to make it better and repair the hurt I caused him by not nurturing him and showing him love on a regular basis when he needed it.

   I know this is a problem that many married couples have and that's why I feel it's important to be honest about. Since I've started this Love Dare many women have privately connected with me about their struggles in their marriage as well and it's heartbreaking to hear their stories. Real life situations of infidelity, abuse, feeling inadequate and couples that don't have sex or have any intimacy at all. But one thing was the same in all of them...they are all fighting to still stay together and heal from the damage and hurt.
  Sex is not to be used as a bargaining tool or to be with held from the other. We are to serve one another and meet each other's sexual needs as husband and wife. Just read the songs of Solomon, what a beautiful love story! It's so passionate! (and to be honest, very sexually detailed for a story in the bible.) The very first chapter says,"let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth", "how handsome you are, my beloved", "how beautiful you are, my darling"...it's a love letter in great detail! 

   I know from personal experience it's not always easy to do the things we know we should for our spouse and we will never completely fulfill their every need and desire. I will be completely honest and take responsibility for my part of not fulfilling all my husbands needs. For that I feel huge guilt. This is something I greatly struggle with, but I know as I grow in my relationship with Christ, that with Him as my center it's NOT impossible to heal from the past hurts and try my best to be there for my husband when he needs me. Even if I haven't done it in the past as much as I should, our God is a great healer and one that can unite a couple when both open their hearts to let Him.



http://www.klove.com/blog/post/2010/02/06/Love-Dare-Day-32.aspx

Love Dare: Day 31 Love and Marriage

Today's Dare

Is there a "leaving" issue you haven't been brave enough to conquer yet?  Confess it to your spouse today, and resolve to make it right.  The oneness of your marriage is dependent upon it.  Follow this with a commitment to your spouse and to God to make your marriage the top priority over every other human relationship.


   Marriage changes everything. You have another person that sees everything you do and all your flaws and all your weaknesses. You are completely transparent no matter how much you try to hide your "imperfections". This is incredibly frightening and leaves you vulnerable to hurt, but this can be incredibly freeing and beautiful. To have another that God chose to love you unconditionally.
That's why God made marriage.

   This chapter goes deeper into the issue of oneness and unity. If you haven't read my last dare, read 30 first. This is sort of a continuation. This chapter reviews "leaving" & "cleaving" and what it could do to your marriage. I don't think me or my husband have any personal issues with our parents with "leaving". Our parents have been a great support system and counselors for us, through all of our struggles. 

As this chapter states:

“Cleaving” carries the idea of catching someone by pursuit, clinging to them as your new rock of refuge and safety.  This man is now the spiritual leader of  your new home, tasked with the responsibility of loving  you “just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her” (Ephesians 5:25).  This woman is now one in union with you, called to “see to it that she respects her husband” (Ephesians 5:33).

As a result of this essential process, you are now free to become everything God meant when He declared you “one flesh.”

·        You are able to achieve oneness in your decision making, even when you begin from differing viewpoints.

·        You are able to achieve oneness in your priorities, even through you’ve come together from backgrounds that could hardly be more different.

            ·        You are able to achieve oneness in your sexual affections toward each other, even if either of both of you have memories of impurity in your pre-marital past.

"If this is not how things are going in your home right now, you’re unfortunately in the majority.  It’s not out of character for couples of all kinds – even Christian couples – to ignore God’s design for marriage, thinking they know better than He does. Genesis 2:24 may have sounded nice and noble when it was wrapped around the sharing of vows at the wedding.  But as a fundamental principle to be put into place and practiced as a living fact – this just seems too difficult to do.  But this is what you must make any sacrifice to reclaim."

   I'm saddened to know that most marriages (including my own) have ignored Gods design for their marriage. That's why the divorce rate is almost 50%!! The harsh reality of marriage is all too often too much for most people to bear. They give up. They say, "I quit" and throw in the towel.

That's not what God calls us to do for our spouses, there is always a way, even if it takes years. It's worth the fight. God doesn't make mistakes. He marries 2 people and uses those people to teach and help one another through life's struggles. To mold together as one. He gives us one excuse as an out for our marriage and that's infidelity, but as terrible of a devastation as that is to a marriage, that isn't un-healable. Some marriages are strong enough to work through it and it may take many years and some marriages aren't. 

   My pastor said in a sermon not too long ago that he had one solution for most marital problems in the years of marriage counseling that he did, he said..."GROW UP". 
Those 2 words struck a cord. You're either offended or convicted when you hear that, but it's true. We all just need to stop being childish and grow up! We honestly fight like small kids in our marriage sometimes, pointing the finger and saying, "well, you did this, so I'm going to do that!" To justify our wrong behavior. 
Tit for tat...We are ALL guilty of this! 
This causes us to not be united in our decision making and our priorities. It causes weakness and cracks in our marriage and over time, with all the cracks...it shatters. Trust me, I'm sharing from personal experience. You think it would never happen to your family or your marriage. But the enemy finds weaknesses in your marriage and works on them over time. If you can stay united and completely agree that divorce is NOT an option and you must find a way to make it work, then your relationship will be that much stronger. I thought it would never be a reality for us. But here we are, separated for 4 months and the longer we live apart, the better chance we will never be together again. The thought of that reality devastates me! I want nothing more than to be back in my home with my babies and my husband, waking up to him by my side. Every couple fights and disagreements, but at least we would be together. Divorce is never an option for me, for millions of Americans, it sadly is. 
To be  honest, it seems like marriage doesn't mean anything these days but a tax break and a piece of paper stating you were in a relationship for awhile. Your kids get the worst part of divorce, they are now raised in broken homes, all because 2 people couldn't "grow up". I bet people wouldn't be so quick to marry if they really knew the reality it brought. Its the hardest thing you will ever do in your life! I've heard this soooo many times, but it never sunk in until I was married, then I knew what REAL hard was! Marriage is a lifetime commitment and people are so quick to give up on it. Take your time and choose your partner wisely and then don't give up on them...ever!!!! God gives us a beautiful blueprint for our marriage, when we steer away from that, that's when we get in trouble. The world tells us something different and it's so easy to get swayed in the wrong direction and think we can do things our way and what the worldy advice tells us, Gods instructions are clear. They are just very difficult to follow sometimes, especially in a world full of temptations and darkness. 
That's when you remind yourself that He is our light!!!!

Here is a great article called "Divorcing societys ideals for marriage", highly suggest the read!
http://fiercemarriage.com/divorcing-societys-ideals-for-marriage

"No one can go back and change how it started but a new future can begin for any marriage the moment one person begins to invest in it." -Fawn Weaver

http://www.klove.com/blog/post/2010/02/05/Love-Dare-Day-31.aspx

Love Dare: Day 30 Love Brings Unity

Todays Dare:
Isolate one area of division in  your marriage, and look on today as a fresh opportunity to pray about it.  Ask the Lord to reveal anything in your own heart that is threatening oneness with your spouse.  Pray that He would do the same for them.  And if appropriate, discuss this matter openly, seeking God for unity.


  This has been a very difficult chapter for me to get through, because we have little to no unity as a couple anymore. We have lived apart for 4months and it has been a roller coaster of emotions in our relationship. We get along for a short period of time and then we are back to fighting. The sad thing is,it always begins with something so small, that snowballs into something bigger and before you know it, we're fighting about it for days. Not unified at all.

   The past month for me has been extremely emotional and very difficult. I had multiple stressful events with my family happen and I felt like the rug was pulled from under me and I completely lost focus on the work on myself and my marriage. I won't lie, I got angry with God. I didn't understand why these things were happening and all the work I put into my marriage was crumbling. We're becoming distant toward one another...again. I let the emotional trauma I was going through consume me. I felt so alone in my struggle because I felt like I couldn't turn to him with every hurt I was feeling and he was the only one I wanted to turn to. I wanted him to hold me and tell me it was going to be ok and that he loves me. There was no way to fix it, but I just wanted to feel reassurance, safe, and loved through my brokenness and sorrow.

   In this chapter of unity it asks a number of questions and to ask The Lord to reveal anything in your own heart that is threatening oneness with your spouse. Well, first off, there a ton of things threatening oneness in our relationship, so where do I start?! I think right now at this moment would be our communication.We text...ALOT! We use that as our form of communication and it has caused us so many ugly fights. We are a lot more daring in our words through text than we are face to face. We bully each other a lot more and are less likely to hold back and a lot quicker to respond out of anger. We don't hear each other out and aren't empathetic to the other persons side. We also have 2 completely different personalities  and the way we do things in our daily lives. But we both have very strong, dominant personalities, which makes us clash often. I know I have major control issues, but God calls my husband to lead. This has always been a great struggle for me and I'm a work in progress on that issue. The control issue is probably my biggest personal issue that derails  our oneness. I know he has his own as well and I just have to continue to pray that God will heal our hearts on our separate struggles, so that we can become more united in our marriage.
 
   I find myself so desperate for reassurance because  I'm feeling so broken...again. Through my daily struggles, I'm finding out more and more how brokenness is a universal struggle for all of us. We desperately want someone to help us pick up the pieces of our lives, especially when it's shattered all around us. Noone can ever "fix" everything in our lives. I'm constantly being reminded that these are the times when we have to seek God. He is our healer.
 In Jeremiah 31:3, The Lord says, "I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness."

Our spouses will never complete us. We will never complete them.
It takes COMPLETE SURRENDER to have COMPLETE UNITY.
When we give up the control, the oneness binds stronger. This is my daily struggle, a constant tug of war between myself and God.
May this be a reminder to myself and to you- always look up in the brokenness.
He will never fail us.



http://www.klove.com/BLOG/post/2010/02/04/Love-Dare-Day-30.aspx

My Baptism and Testimony

My full testimony (they had to shorten it for the service) and baptism on video.

Before I had Christ in my life, I was confused, alone and always yearning for something missing in my heart. I grew up in a broken home, with abuse, addiction, instability and divorce. From a very young age, I had to learn how to rely on myself and take care of my younger siblings. My grandma was a huge blessing in my life because she introduced us to God. She brought us to church & did her best to instill The Lord into our lives, but because we never put anything into practice at home on a regular basis, We never really understood Christ's teachings and how to apply them in our lives.
In my late teens, I took advantage of the first opportunity to leave home. Over the years, I ended up traveling the world and seeing some of Gods most beautiful creations and no matter where I ended up, I always felt unfulfilled and alone. I lived in Los Angeles for many years. I had a lifestyle that many would've envied, living by the beach and working in the fashion industry, it was a fast paced life! But that was the time when I felt the loneliest in my life. I turned to drugs, sex, and alcohol to fill the emptiness in my life. It would be a temporary fix and a downward spiral. I woke up so many mornings regretting my decisions from the night before and feeling more insecure and alone.

When my husband and I started dating, is when I came to know Christ. I always felt spiritual, taking bits and pieces of this and that religion and making it my own spiritual melting pot. No wonder I was so lost and confused! The biggest attraction I had for my husband (besides his amazingly good looks!), was his intense love for God! He would always talk about Christ's teachings and Gods forgiveness and redemption for all of us. It made me jealous at times because I yearned so badly to feel that closeness and love for God. I started going to church on a regular basis, but I still didn't trust God completely. I never fully surrendered myself because I had an intense fear of giving up control.

Through the years of our marriage, I got more involved in church, the growth groups and became a teacher for kids ministry, but in my heart, I never fully surrendered to The Lord. The thing that suffered the most from this, was my marriage. It may have looked good from the outside, but we didn't put Christ as the center of our marriage. We weren't the husband and wife we needed to be for one another. We were constantly fighting IN our marriage and not FOR our marriage. It began and to crack and crumble and we were becoming more distant toward each other. The physical and emotional connection was gone and we both felt alone, resentful and angry toward one another. We were both guilty of being selfish, prideful and ego-filled.
We were on the brink of divorce. The day I surrendered myself completely to Christ was the day I found out that divorce papers had been written up. I was completely devastated and my heart was broken. I was on my knees sobbing and crying out to God asking him, WHY?!
I was angry with my husband and so disappointed in myself that I allowed our marriage to get to this point. This is not what I imagined for my life, my family or my marriage. I loved my husband and kept wondering, "when did I stop being enough to fight for?"

In the last 3 months God has stripped me of all my comforts, has broken me down completely and made me only rely on His strength to build me back up and surrender to His will in my life. Since then, I have started writing and sharing my story and my struggles. It has helped me cope and has reached others that are currently going through struggles and have gone through similar situations and is helping us all not feel alone in our pain. God has also called me to do the Love Dare for my husband and I'm currently on day 30. It's incredibly difficult, but pushes me and challenges me to not give up, because God never gave up on me. Through this I have learned what it means to completely surrender to Gods will and learned to love sacrificially, even when I get nothing in return.
I still have days where I fail miserably because I let my selfishness and pride get the best of me. I have learned that we will never be the perfect spouse we need each other to be and we need to make room for the imperfections and unrealistic expectations.

I hope that through my journey I can be transparent in my struggles and not be ashamed of them and it can help others draw closer to The Lord. That I can humbly show Gods work being done in our lives and be examples of how God can heal all wounds when we allow Him to. It is only because of the Lords love for me that I am here today being baptized in front of my church family and dedicating to live out the rest of my life for my savior Jesus Christ! 

(Start around the 22min mark)

http://crossroadsgrace.org/messages/mobilevideo.php?id=440

Love Dare: Day 29 Love's Motivation

Today's Dare:
Before you see your spouse again today, pray for them by name and for their needs. Whether it comes easy for you or not, say "I love you", then express love to them in a tangible way. Go to God in prayer again, thanking Him for giving you the privilege of loving this one special person-unconditionally, the way He loves both of you.



   For the past week, we have been in a negative place. I have made several attempts to talk some things out and it's not been easy to reconcile. Especially when we both feel discouraged. I have asked him for his responses for dares 27 & 28, but haven't received them yet. I'm just going to keep on focusing on the work God is doing in me and when he's ready, he will give them to me. I have been having a lot of trouble finding motivation and inspiration to do things to demonstrate love toward him, especially when I feel so discouraged on a regular basis, but I know that God is calling me to keep going and not give up, no matter how long it takes me to get through this. I'm not giving up! I know he feels like I'm not trying hard enough and not keeping focused on what I need to do on a regular basis, but atleast I'm putting in effort. Some days, it's the most challenging thing in the world to do and I guess that's why the dares keep getting harder and take longer to do. This is not something you have to take 40 days to do just because there are 40 dares. I'm learning to take my time, especially when I have so much going on emotionally and from every angle of my life.
    I also just found out on very short notice, that I'm going to be baptized this Sunday! I have been wanting this to happen for soooo long and God had perfect timing during this journey! I had a one day notice to write out my testimony and it was incredibly difficult, but I got it in! I'm really nervous for people to hear my struggles and fear of judgement. But I know that this is part of the process of Gods healing. I will post the video as soon as I get it.

   God has been opening up so many doors for me, all within a couple weeks, it's been pretty amazing seeing all the things that God has been working on behind the scenes. I will also be starting to volunteer and go through training to become an advocate at a pregnancy center for young women in our city. I will be speaking with them when they come in and helping them with whatever needs they have. It's a great opportunity to share the Lord with young girls since it is a Christian based ministry pregnancy center, which is great! It will be an awesome experience and I'm blessed to get the opportunity to do it. I had a chance to sit down with the lead pastor of our church as well and let him know what's been going on with me and let him know what Gods been putting on my heart. I told him that I found a huge need for more counseling for women at our church. This is something many other women have also told me that they have felt our church has needed for along time. We talked for a really long time about a lot of different things, but I was so happy to hear that our church has lot of changes happening in the next couple years and a counseling ministry has been on their hearts for a long time as well and it is on their list of things to come! I was so happy he took the time out of his busy schedule to just sit down and listen and encourage me further!
    I'm still struggling with a lot of issues that I have from my past and pray everyday for God to help heal those hurts and help me let them go, I know it's a slow healing process and one not worth giving up on. I need to rely on God for my needs. Not others.
I know we have days that we aren't on the best of terms, but I bought him flowers in hopes that that would cheer him up a little and have told him a few times in person that I love him. I'm still trying not to have any expectations for anything, but it's difficult. Im a needy person (aren't we all?!). I continue to pray for us and that we can work through our struggles the right way, with Christ being our center.



http://www.klove.com/blog/post/2010/02/03/Love-Dare-Day-29.aspx