Love Dare:Day 13 Love Fights Fair

Today's Dare

Talk with your spouse about establishing healthy rules of engagement.  If your mate is not ready for this, then write out your own personal rules to "fight" by.  Resolve to abide by them when the next disagreement occurs.

 Conflicts in marriage are inevitable. After last weeks catastrophes, I knew those were tests of what I've learned so far. I felt like I failed and was disappointed in both of us. Being this chapter is about fighting fair, I knew there was huge lessons to learn how to move forward from this. God is always doing something in the conflict. 

Here is an excerpt from this chapter that I re-read a few times and meditated on:
"The deepest, most heartbreaking damage you'll ever do (or have ever done) to your marriage will most likely occur in the thick of conflict. That's because this is when your pride is strongest. Your anger is hottest. You're the most selfish and judgmental. Your words contain the most venom. You make the worst decisions." 

  A marriage can be great one day and take a nose dive the next and before you know it, it's out of control. This chapter helps you set up "boundaries" for when those times occur. I gave my husband a copy of this chapter and had written down that 2 of my personal boundaries would be to 1. extend grace to him (forgive, let things go & cut him some slack) and 2. be empathetic (try to see things from his point of you).  These are things I hope he grants to me as well, because we all deserve both.

     I brought my Bible to work yesterday so I could read during my lunch break and God sent me a VERY clear message about failure. I was actually really surprised about how many times he talks about failure and not giving up.

Here are some "go to" verses that really stood out to me and hopefully will help you during those times of constant stumbling. Remember that God never let's go....
-"For though the righteous fall seven times, they rise up again."  (Proverbs 24:16)
- "My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my forever portion. (Psalm 73:26)
-"The Lord makes firm the steps of the one who delights in Him; he will not fall, for the Lord upholds him with His hand." (Psalm 37:23-24)

  I love how God reminds us that even the righteous will will stumble and fall down, but we were never meant to stay down. We teach this lesson to our children when they are young and fall on the playground...and have to keep reminding ourselves this lesson as adults.
In getting up, we are choosing to move past the struggle and hurt. We are never going to be perfect. We need to accept our weaknesses and become more dependent on God's strength, not our own.
  This past week He has reminded me that I am a work in progress. That I am a woman that is BECOMING all He wants me to be. I am growing and I am not perfect. I am not where I want to be, but I am further than I was....


http://www.klove.com/blog/post/2010/01/18/Love-Dare-Day-13.aspx

Love Dare: Day 11 &12

  I'm a little behind on the blog, so I'm doing a few days together here. 
I'm not gonna lie, this past week was a tough one. I let life situations get the best of me and lost my focus and the strength I built. I have been really hard on myself because of this, but I knew this was coming. 
That's a part of the journey. God can't mold us on the easy days...


Day 11: Love Cherishes

What need does your spouse have that you could meet today?  Can you run an errand?  Give a back rub or foot massage?  Is there housework you could help with?  Choose a gesture that says, "I cherish you" and do it with a smile.

For today's dare I knew I had to work all day, so I planned ahead and did something for him a few days prior. On that day we got to spend some alone time together and it was really nice!


http://www.klove.com/blog/post/2010/01/16/Love-Dare-Day-11.aspx

Day 12: Love Lets the Other Win

Demonstrate love by willingly choosing to give in to an area of disagreement between you and your spouse.  Tell them you are putting their preference first.

  It's funny that this is the challenge today! Haha!  This day started off bad from the start. We had planned an outting with our kids and we had started bickering from the first text sent in the morning. I thought he was coming off rude from something I said and it just snow balled from there. Our kids had a great time and I'm glad we had that opportunity to bring them out together! That is one thing I am SO grateful for! Our family time is priceless to me now because I rarely get to spend time with both of them together and it's important they see us together still as a family, because we will always be one. (Even on the days we aren't getting along as good as we'd like.) Our kids are so amazing and deserve our best! 
I had a talk with my step-daughter on our way to church the following day and told her how much I loved Daddy and that I was working really hard to get our family back together because that is what God wants me to do and talked to her about obedience and even though we may not feel like doing nice things for someone because they hurt us, it's important to forgive and be kind.
 It's hard to explain hard life lessons to a 6 year old.  Haha! 
She seemed pretty happy about it all and asked questions about the Love Dare and asked, if at the end I had to hand it in to someone and get graded on it...I told her God grades it and sees how we change. 

  Over the previous few days, I felt like everything I had been working hard toward just went down the toilet. I started letting all my fears, insecurities, hurt and resentment toward him get the best of me. All the things that went wrong in our marriage and all the hurtful things he has said to me in the past (and negative things I have said to him out of my hurt as well) were being repeated in my mind for about 3 days and I became unfocused and lost my strength.  I started losing my patience with him and relying on my own strength to get through the day, instead of relying on God's. That was a huge mistake. 
  I kept thinking, "why am I doing this? If he really loved me unconditionally, he would never give up on our marriage. Am I not good enough to fight for? This is pointless..." 
It was all like a record of wrongdoings on repeat...over and over and over again. It's hard to heal when there are so many unresolved issues that we still need to work through. Hence, why I wanted so badly for us to meet for counseling last week, but he decided not to come. I knew there were things still blocking me from moving forward on my journey. 
  Soooo, with day 12 being a disaster, I decided to do that day over again. So yesterday was a lot better than the day before, but not perfect and it didn't end how I wanted it. But that's life, right? I prayed a lot last night and again when I woke up this morning. I prayed for God to renew my spirit, help me regain focus and help me work through all my unresolved hurts. 
 The lesson today just reminded me of how passionate we both are about our opinions and we definitely still have a lot of work to do in learning how to communicate and compromise better. Patience is a never ending lesson that we will have to keep re-learning our whole lives. 


http://www.klove.com/blog/post/2010/01/17/Love-Dare-Day-12.aspx

Love Dare: Day 10 Love is Unconditional

Today's Dare

Do something out of the ordinary today for your spouse - something that proves (to you and to them) that your love is based on your choice and nothing else.  Wash her car.  Clean the kitchen.  Buy his favorite dessert.  Fold the laundry.  Demonstrate love to them for the sheer joy of being their partner in marriage.

   For today's dare I did a pretty simple task. My husband and I had to take our son to Oakland Children's hospital today because he tested positive for Celiac Disease, (so be prepared to see lots of gluten free recipes on here!) so I just made us all lunch to take with us. That's what he requested. I read over this chapter a few times because it really resonated with me.  

Here is an excerpt from the chapter:

"If someone were to ask you, "Why do you love you husband/wife?" -what would you say? 
Most of us would start listing of tons of attributes like, beautiful, kind, great cook, good parent, great personality, etc...
But what if over the course of the years your spouse stopped being those things. Would you still love them? Your logical response would be "no". If your reasons for loving your spouse all have something to do with his or her qualities, then those same qualities suddenly or gradually disappear-your basis for love is over. 
The only way love can last a lifetime is if it's unconditional love. The truth is this: love is not determined by the one being loved, but rather by the one choosing to love. If a man says to his wife, "I have fallen out of love with you," he is actually saying, "I never loved you unconditionally to begins with." His love was based on feelings or circumstances rather than a commitment. "

   Wow! That is a hard pill to swallow! But it is often the hard truth. We are in a world where we are taught that we deserve instant gratification and if we don't receive that, then something's wrong.  We don't want to put in the hard, strenuous, emotionally draining work it takes to REALLY make a marriage survive, or we say we tried for awhile and it just didn't work, so we give up and get a divorce. We do it because we think we deserve better and think we can get better. (Grass is greener on the other side...sound familiar?) Now, I'm not saying don't ever get a divorce, God gives us a clear reason why divorce or separation is accepted (adultery and abuse). But, he also tells us how to treat each other in a marriage (with love and respect). When we go against that, the marriage starts to fall apart and then we sit here wondering what went wrong...

  I have gotten the same marriage advice from ever married couple I know....it's constant hard work! It's harder than anything you will ever do, but you need to remind yourself why you married your spouse and they are worth the fight! That's what finding and marrying your one and only is about, not the fairy tale...but wanting to fight for that person through all the crap that life is going to throw you. We all have a different story and different struggles, but we all have the same God loving us all equally and forgiving us for being imperfect.
Let's learn to love our spouse the way Christ loves us...unconditionally.



http://www.klove.com/blog/post/2010/01/15/Love-Dare-Day-10.aspx

Love Dare: Day 9 Love makes good impressions.

Today's Dare

Think of a specific way you'd like to greet your spouse today.  Do it with a smile and with enthusiasm.  Then determine to change your greeting to reflect your love for them.

   
   
   I have been waking up each morning with a renewed spirit, a purpose and a willingness to receive Gods love and his lessons for me that day. I honestly have been excited for the new day and what He has to teach me, eager to be His vessel of good work and example of what being "Christ like" really means. I am by no means perfect in this demonstration and have stumbled and will keep stumbling. When you allow yourself to be lead in a direction that is only for His glory and doing it with good intention and a willingness to be obedient to whatever it is that God is asking you, then even when you stumble, you can pick yourself up MUCH easier. 

   Today's dare is pretty simple, greet your spouse with enthusiasm and a smile....easy enough. 
I actually have been doing this everyday and making sure that I stay positive around him, even when I'm hurting deep down. It's not necessarily putting on a fake front, but through your kind actions, you change from the inside out. I now am generally happier! We can only be truly healed if it's from the inside out! I posted a link to one of my favorite songs talking about this exact thing below, it's beautiful! 

   Think about it this way, who honestly wants to come home to their spouse throwing up all their problems on them the minute they walk in the door?? I have been guilty of this sooooo many times! I'm so relieved the minute he walks in the door because I'm absolutely exhausted from the house work, daily errands, kids screaming, changing poopy diapers, have dinner ready, laundry done, and I'm trying not to fall apart at the seems... As a mom, this is a daily accurance and then it just starts all over again the next day. It's like being stuck in the movie "Groundhog Day" but with all of the above being thrown at you. Yeah you're lucky if you get time for a shower and brush your teeth....you know what I'm talking about ladies!! 
My husband has told me many times how he wants to be greeted when he gets home from a long day at work, sacrificing time away from his family to provide for us. He just wants to be loved! He wants a hug and a kiss. He wants to be greeted by his kids and see how their day went. Yes, he wants to hear about your frustrations and how you got peed on while potty training your son, but not in the first 5minutes he walks in the door. Give them time to breathe and sit for a second.
Your greeting and mood that you're in sets the mood for the rest of your evening that you get to spend together. So let's all try to make it a habit to greet one another with love, encouragement and let them feel valued and important.  :)


From the Inside out- Hillsong United
http://youtu.be/SZ-fghqc8Oo

http://www.klove.com/blog/post/2010/01/14/Love-Dare-Day-9.aspx

Honor your husband....

Wives, honoring your man is one of the best ways to show him you love him. He's not perfect, but giving honor is a great way to remind him of the man he is becoming.

Love Dare: Day 8 Love is not Jealous.

Today's Dare

Determine to become your spouse's biggest fan and to reject any thoughts of jealousy.  To help you set your heart on your spouse and focus on their achievements, take yesterday's list of negative attributes and discreetly burn it.  Then share with your spouse how glad you are about a success he or she recently enjoyed.


Today was a roller coaster of emotions. But I learned a big lesson through it....
DO NOT OVERSHADOW THE POSITIVE WITH NEGATIVE.

   As you can see first thing in the morning, I burned the list I made of negative things about my husband. I prayed with the list in my hand and asked God to help me release it and LET IT GO. I watched as it just burned away and didn't exist anymore. I felt a lot of peace afterwards. 
 I think we need to use this more often as a daily practice in our minds, just burn it away and let it go. The negative only exists in our minds if we hold onto it. If we keep it hidden to take out on another day as ammunition, because it's a deadly weapon!

As the day went on, we actually spent some alone time together, which was a huge step for both of us and I really enjoyed it! We didn't talk about our relationship, we just enjoyed being around one another (with no arguing), which was what we both needed. 
Last week, I had made us a marriage counseling appointment at our church and told him that I would respect his decision to come or not. He wasn't too happy I did that without asking him first, but I told him to just think about it. I was trying to take the initiative to do something to help both of us work through some problems from the past, so they don't have to keep coming up or bothering us and the past can be the past. That was my only intention...
He told me a few times that he probably wasn't going to show up because he wasn't ready, but since things have been really civil between us and we had just spent time together earlier in the day, I thought for sure he would be there. A 1/2 hour before our appointment, he text me and told me he wasn't coming. I was devastated! My expectations weren't met and I was really upset! We got into a little back and forth over text and he explained why, but I was still upset. I was disappointed.
 So, I went alone. 
  When I arrived, I was so flustered and just about cried, but I didn't. We prayed and talked about everything and when I left, I felt a lot better. Yes, it would've been nice to talk through some of the things that have been blocking me from moving forward, but I can't rush him. I have always wanted to fix things right away, but that's another of Gods lessons for me right now....patience. 
On the way home, I called and told him I was sorry for being upset, I was just disappointed. But I understand. 
Then, the lesson hit me....look at what happened today!? We actually spent quality time together and I need to focus on that achievement and not let one disappointment overshadow that. 

                                               Burn the negative away and LET IT GO!!

http://www.klove.com/blog/post/2010/01/13/Love-Dare-Day-8.aspx

http://www.fireproofthemovie.com

Love Dare: Day 7 Love Believes the Best

Today's Dare

For today's dare, get two sheets of paper.  On the first one, spend a few minutes writing out positive things about your spouse.  Then do the same with negative things on the second sheet.  Place both sheets in a secret place for another day.  There is a different purpose and plan for each.  At some point during the remainder of the day, pick a positive attribute from the first list and thank your spouse for having this characteristic.

   
   Today was a special day. I had a couple mini-victories! They may not seem big in someone else's eyes, but I know they were big steps for me and the way I'm learning to react to situations. I text my husband this morning and his response to something I sent him came off very rude to me and I wasn't expecting it at all. Considering we were talking the night before and everything was cheerful I thought. A couple weeks ago if this would've happened, I would have blown up at him right away and let it ruin my whole day. The difference this time was that I was prepared spiritually for anything negative, ready for rejection. I told him how his response came off and I hope his day gets better, to let God keep his heart open and that I loved him.  
He later explained to me that he was sorry what he said came off rude, that wasn't how he meant it. He was trying to let me know that he wants me to be "spirit lead" and not "emotion lead" when I send him things to read or watch.  He doesn't want to feel smothered or having things forced on him. That just because it inspired or touched me deeply, it doesn't mean it's meant for him as well. But, if I really feel like God is leading me to send him something specific, then go ahead.
    I understand where he's coming from and I told him Ive just been so happy and excited about the change God is doing and what I have been learning and he's the ONE person I want to share it with the most. 
That's where patience of healing comes in. I have to remind myself that this is a loooong process and that I can't have my best friend back right away. It's been along time since we have had that bond of friendship and it takes time to grow. 
    Later in the day I dropped our son off along with some groceries that I told him I would be getting for him just to help out, he seemed genuinely grateful! We had a nice hug, looked each other in the eyes and had a nice "moment" together. For a second, I saw my husband I have longed to be connected with for so long. 
I left with a huge smile on my face, butterflies in my stomache and my heart was full! 

         Onto today's dare....
To my surprise, the lists I had to make today about his "negative & positive attributes" were equally easy to make. If it was a couple weeks ago, the negative would have outweighed the positive tremendously! Haha! 
The difficult part was picking which one positive attribute to compliment him on. So I told him that I'm really proud of the father he has become and I love how much love he shows our kids and has been a great role model for them. That it hasn't gone unnoticed.
Also, that I'm sorry for not always taking the lessons he was trying to teach me more seriously and that I know he always has our best interest at heart. I apologized for not letting him lead our family more and always putting up a fight for things I didn't understand. That my trust and control issues have nothing to do with him, they have just been something I have always struggled with. 
He said thanks and we hung up.

   I wonder how many times Dads are told that they are doing a good enough job as fathers? Do they feel unappreciated as much as us Moms do?  Probably. 
I know for me, a compliment or praise can carry me through the whole week! I'm a person that loves a compliment and being praised for something I have chosen to do for another.  (I know we all do, just some of us more than others.)
What God has been teaching me so far is that we have to re-teach ourselves to do the kind things without praise. Only then will we learn true sacrificial love and actually it will make us happier too! 
We need to focus on our spouses positive instead of the negative. 
(Remind yourself of some of the reasons you married them!)

  We need to BELIEVE THE BEST in others and not become heart hardened.  It's so much easier said than done, especially when resentment and anger come sneaking their way into our minds and choose to camp out there for awhile. 

I challenge you today to compliment your spouse or a friend on something they would least expect. Who knows... maybe it will carry them throughout their stressed out day and make everything a little more bearable. 



http://www.klove.com/blog/post/2010/01/12/Love-Dare-Day-7.aspx