Love Dare: Day 6 Love is not Irritable

Today's Dare

Choose today to react to tough circumstances in your marriage in loving ways instead of with irritation.  Begin by making a list of areas where you need to add margin to your schedule.  Then list any wrong motivations that you need to release from your life.

   Today was a pretty positive day. I woke up early and got into the word right way, turned on my tv while getting ready for the day and the first thing that was on was a church sermon about "Not giving up". I thought was pretty ironic and funny! It was such I great message, I posted it here on my blog for you all to watch as well, earlier today. 

   Today's dare is about being irritable and how we choose to act in situations. I won't lie, writing the lists above that it requests, is a little difficult for me because we live apart. I'm not exactly sure where I can give more margin, maybe more space that he has been requesting of me. I definitely have some wrong motivations that I need to release...control of situations is a major one. Another is trying to fix things MY way right away. I get obsessive about it, if it's not fixed or I can't do anything about the situation right then, I get really upset and feel like I'm losing control. I think that's why it's taken me so long in my Christian walk to REALLY trust in Him and believe whole-heartedly that it's ok to let go, because God is in complete control and surrendering to that. Being content in it.

    To top that off, the message at church today was about anger. They go hand in hand. I have lost my temper so many times in my marriage! Speaking out of anger and hurt. The hurtful words are coming out of my mouth before I even think about how much it's going to affect my spouse. Human nature tells us to "get back" at the person that hurt us. It's the impulsive reaction of trying to get back at the other person and making them hurt as much as we are hurting. Voices are raised to get our point across to the other person. In reality, it just makes the recipient of your yelling "shut down" to not receive anything. There is no communication of talking and listening. It's just pure PRIDE and EGO. Thinking we are the one in the right and they are wrong. When we focus so much on our hurt feelings, it becomes nearly impossible to think clearly or logically. So we say and do things we don't mean and regret. 
We are ALL guilty of this. 

  I learned today that anger is a God given emotion. Anger is evidence of love and proves we care. We are rarely taught how to properly manage our anger though. We act out in the way we were shown as children, our parents are our first examples. What a huge responsibility that is as a parent!

 One thing my pastor said today that I really loved and laughed a little bit about is,
"You can't put your foot in your mouth, when it's closed."
That's so true! Think before you speak, it's so much easier said than done!

  In the bible, God talks about and teaches us a lot about anger and irritability. He knows this is something we ALL struggle with as imperfect humans.

Here are some examples:
-Hot tempers cause arguments (proverbs 15:18)
-Anger causes mistakes (proverbs 14:29)
-people with hot tempers, do foolish things (proverbs14:17)
-Don't provoke your family in anger or you will have nothing left (proverbs 11:29
- Control your tongue, be careful about what you say (psalm 141:3 & proverbs 20:1)
-Talk low and slow, releasing anger appropriately (Ephesians 4:26)

3 things to ask ourselves when we're irritable and angry:
1. Why am I feeling this way?
2. What do I really want? (What is not being fulfilled?)
3. How can I get it?

http://www.klove.com/blog/post/2010/01/11/Love-Dare-Day-6.aspx

Love Dare: Day 5 Love is Not Rude

 

Today's Dare

Ask your spouse to tell you three things that cause him or her to be uncomfortable or irritated with you.  You must do so without attacking them or justifying your behavior.  This is from their perspective only.

  I gave my husband this question on a piece of paper a few days ago so he would have time to honestly think about it and return it to me when it was time for me to read it on Day 5.....let me tell you, the last thing I want to hear is what I'm doing wrong in his eyes and why I'm making him uncomfortable and irritated. 

His answers were hard to read. 

  I knew that God was preparing me for them though over the last few days and they were going to be things I really needed to focus on and take honestly to heart. They were things he has voiced to me in the past, but out of anger and I didn't want to hear it and it wasn't said in a context of loving change. 
I think that makes a HUGE difference! You need to be READY to hear something to have change actually come from it. Otherwise, it's just in one ear and out the other because its said to you in the middle of an argument or a non-loving confrontation of some sort. 

  Over the last week especially, God has been working hard on my heart. Re-shaping it and rebuilding. I actually had a good conversation with him yesterday. Well, it was kinda just me telling him what I'm experiencing on this journey and understanding why God is bringing us through this and him listening. There was no argument, so I would call that a step forward in the right direction. Talking and listening. 
  The Lord has been throwing things at me constantly throughout the days to remind me of His work and blessings, to learn to give Him constant glory in it all. Even with the struggles. I honestly have so many reasons to just give up, really I do. Being rejected daily, feeling I'm not good enough and that I have majorly failed. Feeling completely unloved and that I should just let go and move on.
But God pulls on my heart and reminds me that I have so many more reasons to FIGHT! 
To NOT GIVE UP!

     My husband has shared with me that his faith has definitely suffered because of the struggles in our marriage. He used to have such an amazing relationship with God that it literally beamed out of him everywhere he went! He shined so brightly with his intimate relationship with God. It was one of the main reasons I married him! I told him I used to be so jealous of that, because I wanted that too, but I didn't understand the sacrifice and surrender it takes to get to that point.
     I feel like our roles have sort of reversed now. My faith is growing stronger and stronger each day and he is in a dark place. I feel immense guilt for this! I am partly responsible for being a part of taking a man, so strong in his faith to so low and constantly feeling like he can't move forward because the waves of life's problems are constantly crashing down on him, where he's not able to breathe and wants to give up completely. Now making him angry with me...and with God. That was not what i was suppose to do as his wife and in this I feel like I majorly failed. I am to lift him up and support him always. I didn't do these on a consistent basis and we were not united as we should have been.
I told him that I know this process is for him, just as much as it is for me.
  Another thing I'm learning is that in a marriage, you are both never putting in the same amount of work at the same time. It's rarely 50/50. Most of the time its always one doing more work than the other. We need to carry the other when they are weak because that's what Christ does for each of us, it's what he asks us to do for others, especially our spouses...

  It comes down to the major lesson that God wants us to experience with our spouses....
Sacrificial love..
Learn to love, expending NOTHING in return.
Only then can we truly grasp Christ's love for us.

God cannot remold us until he breaks us COMPLETELY down first.


http://www.klove.com/blog/post/2010/01/10/Love-Dare-Day-5.aspx

NEVER Give Up!

  I woke up this morning at 6am, ready for what God has to teach me today. I turned on my tv while I was getting ready for church and this is what was on...coincedence? I think not!! 

It was a sermon about NEVER giving up! When we give up and throw in the towel, we are giving up on God and saying that He isn't enough to get us through. 

Such a powerful message! 

http://www.intouch.org/broadcast/this-week-on-tv/utm_source/itm/utm_medium/web/utm_campaign/home_top_slider

Love Dare: Day 4 Love is Thoughtful

Today's Dare

Contact your spouse sometime during the business of the day.  Have no agenda other than asking how he or she is doing and if there is anything you could do for them.


  Today went pretty great to be honest. Nothing miraculous in terms of changing our relationship, but major changes in myself are happening. I saw my husband this morning for a bit and asked him how he was doing and if there was anything I could do for him...of course, he said no.
 I said, "Ok, well I know that since you quit your job just recently you probably don't have much money and I don't either, but I'd like to buy you some groceries...just to help out."
 I told him that he doesn't need to come with me, because I'm trying to respect his request for space, but to just give me a list and I will go on Monday and drop it off to him.  He said ok and that was it.

    I also ended up leaving him a note on his car when I left that said, 
"Marrying you was the best decision I have ever made in my life and I CHOSE you out of all the men in the world to be my husband and I will continue to always fight for you."  
    I don't know if the notes and words of encouragement make any difference, but it's just what I feel at the time that God is calling me to do, to continually let him know that he's loved....even when his heart is hardened.  

   I then spent a few hours with a very good friend of mine that is a mutual friend of ours and we took our boys that are the same age to have lunch/playdate at the park and I really enjoyed catching up and getting her input on our situation because her and her husband respect and care very deeply for both of us. It's good to get an outside perspective that's non-biased. I also shared with her my journey so far and the realizations I was coming to and how I knew God was completely breaking me down, stripping me of everything I know and taking me out of my comfort and things I rely on.....
TO REBUILD ME.

  This is by far the most painful experience of my life, because it's long and drawn out and hurts me to the core of my heart and soul. I know that no matter what happens between my husband and I, that my faith and love for God will be strengthened more than it ever has and that my complete submission and trust in Him is a hard lesson I need to learn.  It is ONLY through our hardships that we can be molded into the people that God WANTS us to be.
  I mean think about it!...HE CREATED US! He created the galaxies, oceans, and down to the small mustard seed. He is so incredibly amazing! It is beyond anything we can fathom with our human minds or have words for.
But the reality is, everyday we disappoint him. Everyday we fail Him. Everyday, we don't deserve His never ending love......
   There is a happy ending, He ALREADY gave His only son to take our failures and loves us unconditionally!! We definitely don't deserve that, nor have we earned it.
He just loves us THAT MUCH!

  I've learned a lot about prayer lately and the constant importance of it. I mean REALLY praying! The act of it and the mindset of it. Taking time throughout my day to stop and talk with Him, giving Him thanks for everything that's happening to me because I know deep down, it's for a greater purpose that I just don't understand right now.
It's absolutely scary, especially for someone like me, that has to have control of everything all the time.
But in reality, I've never had control. None of us do.

  I have asked God every morning before my feet touch the floor, to allow myself to be a vessel of His good work and teach me something new today that I didn't know yesterday and to help me become more intimate with Him....He has given me everything I've asked.
I'm finally asking Him for things not out of selfish needs and wants, but out of surrendering completely to what HE WANTS for me.

Watch this video and just STOP & THINK about how amazing our God is! This is incredible!

http://youtu.be/NnnSS0_-xoA

The AWE factor!
http://youtu.be/3Ya12I036lg

http://www.klove.com/blog/post/2010/01/09/Love-Dare-Day-4.aspx







   


  

Love Dare: Day 3 Love is not Selfish

   Well, I need to first backtrack to Day 2.
  I wrote my dare yesterday before the day was complete and it ended horribly.
I ended up getting into a huge fight with him about some personal things (I won't go into detail for privacy reasons)  that I thought we were over, but the wound was cut open again and I felt betrayed, lied to and heart broken.
The enemy definitely had a strong hold on both of us last night and we fought....hard!
I ended up saying negative words and so did he and that wasn't at all how I wanted our day to end, especially since I had just started this journey and it's only day 2!
   I then had to go to work after getting into the fight & ended up having an anxiety attack and going home early because the pain was too much too bare. I couldn't get "out of my head" and if you have dealt with anxiety, you know exactly what I'm talking about. It's debilitating! I was praying out loud for God to get me through it and almost hyperventilating at the same time. I couldn't have customers or my-coworkers seeing me in that state, so I left. On my way home, I dropped off a letter to him explaining that even though I'm very hurt, I'm still not giving up on him or our family.

  We fought so bad and I did end up saying negative words out of the hurt I was feeling and that was one of the things I was "dared" not to do and I didn't even last 2 days. I was disappointed in myself and angry with him. EVERYTHING just hurt to the core of my heart.
Then the worst news hit me....He told me that he is most likely filing for divorce and already has the paperwork together and just needs to file it. That he has no intention of working on our marriage any longer and that we need to work on just being friends and co-parents and working on our own journeys with God. My. heart. broke...

  I'm not sharing in these details to have anyone be mad or upset with either of us. As I have always said, it has taken both of us not investing in our marriage the way we should have that has gotten us to this point. I'm just trying to be brave and show the true, honest struggles of a marriage.
  He apologized for being in the wrong for what he did and I told him that it would take time to trust that.  But...God pulled heavy on my heart all night and into the morning and reminded me that...
                                                 LOVE IS ABOUT FORGIVENESS!

   I didn't sleep at all. I prayed, I cried and I read the Love Dare chapter I was on, over and over again. I focused on what God was trying to get me to see, understand and learn and reminded myself that there is going to be rejection in my journey.
That was how day 2 ended........

  

DAY 3- Love is not selfish.

Today's Dare

Whatever you put your time, energy, and money into will become more important to you.  It's hard to
care for something you are not investing in.  Along with restraining from negative comments, buy your spouse something that says "I was thinking of you today."

  Well, after a sleepless night and wondering how I'm going to find strength to do day 3 (even after my husband told me to stop and to not even do day 3 because I failed day 2) , I prayed in the morning and asked God to help me and I prayed FOR my husband.

   I need to share something with you that has hit me hard and I have to keep reminding myself....
"It is really difficult to demonstrate love when you feel little to no motivation, especially when you're being rejected. But love in its truest sense is not based on feelings, but a determination to show thoughtful actions, even when there seems to be no reward." -Fireproof The Movie

  So with that in mind, I peeled myself off my tear soaked pillow, brushed myself off and I got out of bed at 7:30am, grabbed a coffee and I knew what God wanted me to do. 

  I don't have any money to buy him anything but I knew God was asking me to give him something I know he NEEDED. For ME to learn to love sacrificially...
    So I headed to his house at 8am and washed his jeep for him. Yes, the one thing I have always hated doing and never did! 
I got out the bucket, soap, scrubber and the hose and washed it for over an hour. And you know what.....I've never enjoyed washing a car so much in my life! I didn't knock on the door to tell him I was doing it until AFTER I was done with the job and that was to ask for the vacuum in the house so I could vacuum the inside of his jeep. He was a little shocked I could tell and said thank you, but he had just done that a few days prior. So I just vacuumed out my own quick and I left.

    I then headed straight to church to my women's growth group. Today our lesson was "Love is Forgiving"... Wow! How appropriate...jeez, give it to me God! He always knows when we need to hear things! 
In the beginning of our session we all share things that are going on in our lives so we can pray for one another or just to be a great support system and I wasn't going to share anything, but God literally opened my mouth for me. All I said was...I have a prayer request and most of you know that my husband and I are currently separated..." and in front of 10 women, I burst into tears. I couldn't finish talking and took what felt like forever to compose myself and finish telling them the weight of my problem I walked in with. After explaining my burden and struggle of wanting so badly for my marriage to work and my husband telling me he wants a divorce and how desperate & rejected I felt and wondering when I stopped being good enough for my husband? Sharing with them what I had just got done doing for him right before I came in and that I'm in the process of learning how to love sacrificially....
I looked up and EVERY SINGLE woman in that room was crying.... 
They all felt my pain and we all cried together.... 

   I am being constantly reminded of Gods mercy and grace for me. That he is not abandoning me and that I'm not alone. I am a sinner too and today he slapped me in the face with His reminder of how much He has forgiven me for my constant faults and imperfections and that I can't forgive my husband on my own...
I need God's strength.

This is a prayer that we were given today. It's a prayer for anyone that you need to forgive. A spouse, friend, parent, etc....just insert their name in the blank.

Dear Lord,
I may not forget, but I'm choosing to forgive (insert name). I realize trust may take time to rebuild, but I choose to not hold grudges. Help me to let go of bitterness or anger in my heart. Give me your grace that I may relinquish my "right" to get even. Help me understand that you have forgiven me and that I can forgive (insert name) through you. I trust your power to do that. Now, Lord, I ask you to bless (insert name). God, please replace my hurt with your healing. Replace my pain with your peace. Replace my loss with your love. May the past truly be past, in Jesus name, Amen.

http://www.klove.com/blog/post/2010/01/08/Love-Dare-Day-3.aspx

Love Dare: Day 2 Love is Kind...

Today's Dare

In addition to saying nothing negative to your spouse again today, do at least one unexpected gesture as an act of kindness.

  So, today I decided to make him a favorite breakfast item of our family (Egg Salsa Muffins) and give it to him when he dropped off  our son this morning. He smiled and said thank you and actually gave ME a hug goodbye! This made me feel really good as I have always been initiating a hug in the past. I also gave him a question on a piece of paper for my Day 5 Dare and told him to just write down his answer and give it back to me sometime in the next couple days. I'm not looking forward to receiving it as the question is,
 "what are 3 things that I have done that make you uncomfortable or irritated with me?" 
 That should be interesting and painful...haha!
Well, day 2 is done! I spent time to make him something I know he likes and will enjoy. 
Ok, not so hard! Right?

  I also had an hour and a half long conversation with someone this morning that I trust, look up to tremendously and respect very highly. They are blunt, honest and love us both very much. The conversation was really helpful and has made me reflect on some very serious questions and also reflect on myself as an individual. It's amazing how sometimes we don't see the very obvious things about ourselves and our character. How did we become molded into the people we are today? A lot of it has to do with our upbringing. It was a pretty heavy, deep conversation for 8am! 
  One question & I guess one of the most important was..."Why do you want your marriage to work?"  Well, the obvious answer would be that I love him and I want our family to be together. But I said, "Because he is the best thing that has happened to me in my life. He has grounded me, I love him and 
I love what he has shown me as how a family should be. He is a beautiful person and an amazing, loving father. He has taught me how to love and help me grow in my relationship with God." 
Of course, there are many other reasons, but that was just came to me right then...but it made me think more about it and why I'm fighting for us. 

   Another perspective that was pointed out to me was that through their eyes I have always adapted to whatever my surrounding is. Whoever I'm around, that's what I become and try to adapt to. At first, I was a little confused and didn't know if that was a good thing or a bad thing. But once we started talking more about it, they pointed out that what I am is a survivor. A person that has had no other choice than to adapt, to just survive. I have had a very rough upbringing and had to grow up really fast, going through things that no child should have to and I've just wanted to belong. To survive 

   I've had the great fortune to travel the world and wear a lot of different hats in my lifetime. I have had many different roles and created different versions of myself to wherever I was at the time I my life. It's a part of finding out who we are as Individuals and I think we all have done that in different ways. But the thing is, what is it that I REALLY want for myself? What does ANGEY want? Not, what should I do because I think it's the right thing or to please others, but where is God leading me and what does He want for just ME in this life? Right away I knew....
  The best and most important role I have been blessed with is the role of a Wife and Mom. No matter what problems I have had in my marriage, I have never been more happy, content and fulfilled as I have been since the day I married my husband. My heart was filled more than I could have ever imagined or had received in my life. I felt complete. I knew I finally had a purpose.

   So, this is my constant reminder why I'm fighting. Why I won't let my heart harden and do whatever I can to learn how to love sacrificially.

http://www.klove.com/blog/post/2010/01/07/The-Love-Dare-Day-2.aspx

Love Dare- Day 1 Love is Patient....

  What you are about to read is very personal, but I feel like I need to share it as it's reality and has happened to millions of other couples, but not everyone talks about the bad when their in the thick of it, in the trenches fighting for their life. Some reasons may be they are scared, embarrassed, and worried of judgement from others or feel like they failed. We are made to believe that marriage is a fairy tale and no one ever fights, disagrees and is just perfect in every way for one another. That is far from reality. Marriage is hard. Period. It's constant hard work! Constant sacrifice of putting another person above yourself. And when you don't work at it, the anxiety, panic attacks, sleepless nights, loss of appetite are all side effects of this... Broken marriages.

  As some of you may know, I'm in a broken marriage. We are separated. We did not stay united in things, had a lack of love shown to one another in the way we wanted and we grew apart. This is not what I ever imagined for my life, family or my marriage. I love my husband. We are on the brink of divorce. I'm absolutely devastated and heart broken. I'm a broken girl crying and praying to God on a daily basis to heal our hearts, desperate for a miracle. This is not what I want and have told him many times that I want to fight for us, so this is my last saving grace to show him through actions that I want to save our marriage.
My main reason to start this journey is to save my marriage. My husband is worth the fight and I'm not willing to give up, we are worth the fight....
Some that have done the Love Dare know that this is a selfish reason in the beginning, but I also know I desperately need a better relationship with God more than anything in my life right now. I go to church, I teach Sunday school, read my bible, pray with my children, but still feel such a yearning to know Him more and surrender myself completely to Him, which is something I have never done. I am selfish. I am angry. I am bitter. I am broken.

  My hope is that while you are following in my journey, that you don't feel alone. That you find something relatable and know that there is always support. I know this is such a personal journey, but I feel the importance to share with others is a very important step in coping. To know that it's ok to be broken. It's ok to cry and feel like you are falling apart and you don't have to have it all together all the time. That is something I have struggled with deeply my whole life. I have major control issues and am just recently in the last couple years learning how to let go and Let God have control.

  I need forgiveness and I need my savior. I need to feel unconditional love. I need to learn how to love unconditionally and selflessly, expecting nothing in return. Only then will I know how God wants us to live not of worldly emotions and things, but of His world, to learn to love others like Christ loves us. We are always denying Him and He still loves us unconditionally, even when we don't deserve it.

                                                      This is my journey. 40 days.....

Day 1:
I have told my husband that I am starting this journey via text and asked him to have patience with
me for things I may ask or do for him. He just said ok.
No negative words are spoken from my mouth today....so far, so good.

 If you have never seen the movie Fireproof, I HIGHLY suggest it for any couples, whether you are having major problems or not. This is what the movie is about and the husband does the Love Dare for his wife.
http://www.fireproofthemovie.com/redirect.html

http://www.klove.com/blog/post/2010/01/06/Day-1-of-The-Love-Dare.aspx