So this is me, just getting down to business and catching up with you all as much as I can get out of myself at the moment.
A lot has happened with our family this summer, well I should say- this year. Period. We have gone through more health problems with our son (He is 3 and has Celiac Disease and Type 1 Diabetic) and we have gone through the worst year of our marriage as a christian couple, being separated for 6 months. With that came complete brokeness and we both dealt with some really dark days full of depression, anger, resentment, sadness and worst of all, completely falling away from God. I can't speak for his struggles, but only my own and this being my blog, I can only share with you, my perspective.
In January of this year, after 3 years of a struggling marriage, we separated. I moved out (to me, it was always temporary) it was to give us some space to breathe and calmness for our family, until we "figured it out". What ended up happening was worse than I could have ever imagined at the time. We ended up hurting one another for the next 6mo. worse than we ever had and more than we did that led up to the separation in the first place. We were both hurting...so we hurt each other.
(Ever heard that saying, "hurt people. hurt people"- Its true!.)
I ended up going going through a deep depression (months of christian based counseling ended up helping alot). Anger, resentment and hurt became my best friend. It was so deep, I felt like I was never going to heal. Months of crying myself to sleep because I just wanted my family back together and everything to be healed again. What I didn't know at the time is that God was bringing us through deep, deep valleys of darkness. He was teaching me that I needed to be completely broken, so my only option was to rely on Him. That's when I started writing alot. I started the Love Dare for my husband (and myself) and it took me a long time to finish it, but I finally did! In the first couple weeks of doing it, my heart was changing alot. I was becoming a lot closer to God and feeling the Holy Spirit all around me and starting to heal from His presence, keeping myself open to whatever it was He was asking of me (most of the time, that was doing acts of kindness for my husband, even when I didn't want to. He also saw a big change in me as well.) I never realized how truly healing it is to do something out of pure kindness for someone else. Why don't we do that more? Because we are selfish at heart.We refrain from doing something for others, unless we are getting something in return. I wish that wasn't true, but it is.
During this time of us being separated, I also went through alot of family struggles. I felt like I was being flooded with struggles from every direction of my life. It pulled the rug out from under me and I completely lost focus on what I was doing for my marriage. I got mad at myself so much, because I should've stayed stronger and I was so weak. I completely lost my way and it still hurts me that my personal struggle with losing my strength in my faith went so far off the path.
I would love to say that through all these personal struggles that I stayed focused on God, that I never lost my faith, that I never got mad at God, that I always treated my husband with love and respect, that I always read my Bible and prayed daily, that I kept God as my stronghold, that I kept my promises, that I kept it "all together", that I stayed humble, that I did everything that God asked of me and was an example of Gods healing grace for us....but I can't. If I did, it would be a lie.
The reality is... I stayed focused for awhile, then completely lost myself to my emotions when more struggles kept piling up. I took things into my own hands and out of God's. I lost control. I was prideful. I was hurtful (at times, on purpose). I let other things take my focus away from my marriage and of God. I let anger and resentment rule my days. I got angry with God for "allowing" all these things to happen to me and my loved ones. I lost me....
What I didn't know then was... that God was molding me. He was allowing me to become completely broken, so He could heal me. To show me that through all the pain, He is constant and always waiting for me to come back to Him. He was teaching me patience. He was showing me that stress comes from wanting to make things happen before its the right time. That it is through problems and failures, weakness and neediness that I had to learn to rely on Him. That I NEED TO LET GO and give up control! To not be emotion lead, but be spirit lead. That God was setting a scene for something far greater than I could ever planned.
Now, 7 months later from the beginning of one of the most difficult times in my life, God has healed our home! We are now living together again and our family is united as one! It wasn't anything either one of us did to "fix it", it was ALL God! We both had to go through our own separate struggles, be derailed off of His path and find our way back home to Him. I'm not saying saying everything is perfect and blissful, we still have disagreements, but we have learned God's healing power and grace when we surrender to Him. We have had some great conversations, laughing with one another again, family dinners and outtings, and sleeping in the same bed with my husband is the best feeling in the world! The comfort of his presence near me has brought so much healing.
I write this personal journey to share with you all that God will never show us the twists and turns of our journey, but He will fully equip us for whatever the journey brings....
Always remember to focus on that small sliver of light in the darkness, He is always there.
NEVER GIVE UP.
This song has carried me through my journey and still gives me goosebumps EVERY.SINGLE.TIME I hear it! The words have now become such a part of me, engraved in my heart and I love that my son requests that Mommy sing this to him every night... :)
Oceans by Hillsong United
http://youtu.be/DGRz2BJQRXU
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