First- I was never going to write about this journey, as its a very personal one and I didn't want to hurt myself (or anyone else) in the process. Honestly, I don't want to be vulnerable...and naked.
I know shame lives in our secrets, so when we put it out there, own it and put light on it, it has no dark place to hide.
Second- I DON'T want to be on this journey. But, I know its necessary and its time.
God has brought people, resources and things into my life recently and spoken to me in prayer that its time.
I have to be honest with myself and I am now in my mid-30's realizing that I think all these years, I never truly believed I deserved to feel love and live a joy-filled life.
Third- My "cliff-notes" testimony. We are all products of messed up environments.
Like me, you're probably asking, "How did she get to this place?"
I ask myself that everyday. How did I become the person that I am today? Well, it isnt just one life experience, one situation, one moment, one person or one thing.
Its over years and years of damage, chipping away slowly and BAM!...You've become a person you dont really like very much.
Without going to much into my past, I grew up in a completely broken home full of abuse. (physical, mental and substance abuse)
Raised by my grandmother and other relatives most my life, I had to grow up very fast. Robbed of a childhood I longed for, I really dont think I ever had a chance, seeing as everything was against me from the start. Thats my "statistic story".
I became hard, a survivor. Doing everything I could to get by, to not feel abandoned, to feel loved, never wanting to go without, and wanting to belong so badly.
I was always running and I always felt empty, a huge piece was missing in my life. I chased that void with sex, alcohol and drug abuse.
That worked for many years, until I got married, had kids and became a Christian. Devoting my life to Christ and now having the immense pressure to be the example of something I didn't really truly know how to do or what it meant to be.
To be honest, I hated God. I was forced to go to church and had NO relationship with God. So, I grew to resent him, among many other people in my life.
My heart started hardening at a very young age.
I was confused and had NO idea what specifically I was running away from, I was just running!
(I was really good at that.)
These are (some) of my excuses I've allowed to hold me back:
- I was never brought up shown good parenting skills.
- I never learned money management.
- I didn't know what being a Christian meant.
- I didnt get a good education, wasnt raised with the right skills to be successful.
- Im not good enough.
NOW:
Its time to move forward from the pain of my past, stop making myself a statistic, a victim, an excuse of WHY I can't be who I want to be or do what I want to do.
I'm a dreamer, I'm a doer and I am a daughter of the One true God who has instilled HUGE passions into me that are meant to be lived out to help others. I know that is my soul purpose.
I am NOT my situations or my past!
I can make a NEW story for myself, starting TODAY!
To move forward, we have to accept what we've become and what we've done.
Character defects....what I've allowed myself to believe and become over the years and what I'm moving away from:
- Judgemental
- All work/Little play
- Perfectionism.
- I'm obsessive compulsive.
- Compare myself to others.
- Co-dependent
- I feel shame.
- Im resentful and angry.
- Im not "available" to the people I love the most.
- I feel like I'm an outsider.
- Not living wholeheartedly.
- Don't believe in myself.
- I've allowed myself to live just enough to survive.
- I have severe anxiety over things I cannot control. (little and big issues)
- I'm broken
(Proverbs 28:13)
I've come to realize that I am the only person that can rescue me.
I've been avoiding "dealing with vulnerability" like the plague for years and running as far away from it as possible. I felt it was a weakness. Keeping myself just far away from it to make myself believe I have it all together and have control. Doing everything in my power to ignore it, pushing it away and keeping myself medicated with drugs, alcohol or as of recent years, " too busy", so I dont have to deal with "dealing with it".
You get me?
This is going to be tough, its going to be messy, its going to be painful, but its necessary for me to move forward and live a life of pure JOY! (which is something I've never experienced.)
I believe in writing and sharing our human experiences, (just like I have in the past), it helps us process them, shed light on them, helps us connect and move through the healing process together.
It gives us permission to feel, to have the emotions we do and to relate to each other.
This journey is following my steps as I read the book, "Daring Greatly" by Brene Brown.
If you haven't read, watched or listened to her, go out and do it NOW!!! She is an incredible speaker, researcher and teacher on shame and vulnerability.
I remember the first time I saw her on Oprah's Super Soul Sunday, she was talking about finding the courage to be vulnerable and how joy is the hardest emotion to feel. BOOM!!!
That caught my attention right away.
Then, I watched her TED Talk...talk about having your emotional world flipped upside down!
I immediately went out and bought her book, very excited to dive in!
Thats was...until I opened it up.
I read the "Intro", and immediately put it back on my bookshelf.
"Oh shit!, I am soooo NOT ready for this!", was the very first thing I thought.
There it sat...for months.
Lets do this!
So, here I am. Ready.
No, I'm not ready...I don't think I ever will be.
But, Im willing.
I'm showing up in the arena.
Being vulnerable.
Being courageous.
Being scared.
Being capable of love.
"As God is exhalted to the right place in our lives, a thousand problems are solved all at once."
A.W. Tozer
Brene Brown YouTube Playlist:
https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL749pD66P10PEEpKBNDU0vgUJoJuXyBDk
Before diving into the book, I think its helpful to gather your thoughts on vulnerability...
1.How would you define vulnerability?
2.What are the beliefs you hold around vulnerability?
3.How was vulnerability viewed in your family? What were the lessons (spoken or unspoken) about being vulnerable?
4. Whats your current comfort level with vulnerability?
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