I honestly dont know whats harder, accepting and owning that I have all this work to do on myself or sharing it and putting it out there, so now I have accountability to truly change it. Maybe thats why I'm sharing it in the first place, so I'm held accountable...without judgement.
We are all flawed and broken. Some of us are just better at hiding it.
When I first became a Christian, I felt truly unworthy of God's love, I still do sometimes.
I think thats one of my biggest struggles, knowing how full of sin I am and God still loves me even though I fall short of Him everyday.
I still can't grasp the grace thing. But, I know it saves me.
I look around in church sometimes and see the faces of my peers and think,
"They know they need God, do I?"
Because, I dont live like I need God.
Thats where shame and unworthiness seep deep in me.
To accept I have these thoughts, these behaviors, these qualities is painful.
The Never Enough Problem
To be known and accepted are the 2 most fundamental needs a human has.
I know that feeling all too well.
We all want to feel like we are doing something that matters and we are making a difference.
We have a shame based fear of being ordinary.
It's become an epidemic. We all deep down want to belong, to be loved, to be acknowledged, to be noticed, to be praised, to have a purpose.
We have put our worth into how many "likes" we get on Facebook or Instagram.
"For me, and for many of us, our first waking thought of the day is, "I didnt get enough sleep." The next one is, "I dont have enought time." Whether true or not, that though of not enough occurs to us automatically before we even think to question or examine it. We spend most of the hours and the days of our lives hearing, explaining, complaining, or worrying about what we dont have enough of...Before we even sit up in bed, before our feet touch the floor, we're already inadequate, already behind, already losing, already lacking something. And by the time we go to bed at night, our minds are racing with a litany of what we didn't get, or didn't get done, that day. We go to sleep burdened by those thoughts and wake up to the reverie of lack... This internal condition of scarcity, this mind-set of scarcity, lives at the very heart of our jealousies, our greed, our prejudice, and our arguments with life..." -Lynn Twist (The Soul of Money)
"Never enough."
We can all fill in that blank quickly and with many different things.
- Never good enough.
- Never perfect enough.
- Never thin enough.
- Never powerful enough.
- Never successsful enough.
- Never smart enough.
- Never certain enough.
- Never safe enough.
- Never extraordinary enough.
Never Enough.
Scarcity is the never enough problem.
A perfect example of this in my life is when I have a day when I just need to take a day off, to hibernate, stay in my pajamas or my staple clothing (yoga pants), no make up and just be home. Just have quietness, no work emails, no housework, just have a completely lazy day and be present with my kids. Thats it!
I can feel deep inside thats its necessary to recharge my spirit and my body.
Guess why that never happens?...
I immediately go into, "guilt mode". because I feel I'm not doing enough.
Comparison is the thief of Joy.
Comparison is the thief of Joy.
We compare the worst of ourselves to the best of others.
We steal the joy out of our lives because we are too busy waiting for something better to happen.
I compare my house, my to-do list, my looks, my work projects, my marriage, my life to everything I see around me.
Society has made me feel like I'm not doing enough.
The stress of this can be unbearable sometimes and I can understand why I hear about those "suburban soccer Moms" with prescription drug addictions just so they can keep up with and feel they are doing enough to keep up with the Jones'.
Its incredibly sad that this is how we feel.
The stress of this can be unbearable sometimes and I can understand why I hear about those "suburban soccer Moms" with prescription drug addictions just so they can keep up with and feel they are doing enough to keep up with the Jones'.
Its incredibly sad that this is how we feel.
I make my life busy to feel accomplished. My husband hates this and has brought it to my attention multiple times in a very loving way. He is very simple (like most men) and I'm very complicated and tend to make things harder than they need to be.
I am a doer, on the go, "to-do list" longer than my arm and its very, very difficult for me to slow down.
I have a household and business to run.
I like busy.
Busy keeps me away from over-thinking, and not having to deal with things. To protect myself.
My "busy" makes me feel a sense of worthiness.
Ya feel me?!
I feel like a need to be "Super-Mom" ALL THE TIME!!!
This is such a lie that has seeped in so deep into my psyche, I dont know how to untrain myself out of it.
The only time I feel at peace, still and grounded, is when Im writing (like now), meditating, doing yoga or working out. My brain shuts down and I found my place of peace.
I've come to accept that I NEED those days and it's ok to have them. My kids and husband need those days from me.
I know deep inside, God is speaking straight to me, telling me...
"My sweet daughter, be still, slow down and just be. Take a time-out."
"Be still and know that I am God." (Psalm 46:10)
"Be still and know that I am God." (Psalm 46:10)
Questions to ask yourself:
1.What idealized accounts (media, nostalgia, etc) do you compare your life to most frequently? For example, do you sometimes find yourself comapring your house or apartment to the Pottery Barn catalog? Do you compare you holidays with the Hallmark commercials?
2.Think about what you watch on TV, magazines you read, music you listen to, billboards you drive by. What are some of the expectations and messages (subtle and not so subtle) that fuel the fear of being ordinary?
3. How do you fill in the blank.
Never enough.
