Love Dare: Day 10 Love is Unconditional

Today's Dare

Do something out of the ordinary today for your spouse - something that proves (to you and to them) that your love is based on your choice and nothing else.  Wash her car.  Clean the kitchen.  Buy his favorite dessert.  Fold the laundry.  Demonstrate love to them for the sheer joy of being their partner in marriage.

   For today's dare I did a pretty simple task. My husband and I had to take our son to Oakland Children's hospital today because he tested positive for Celiac Disease, (so be prepared to see lots of gluten free recipes on here!) so I just made us all lunch to take with us. That's what he requested. I read over this chapter a few times because it really resonated with me.  

Here is an excerpt from the chapter:

"If someone were to ask you, "Why do you love you husband/wife?" -what would you say? 
Most of us would start listing of tons of attributes like, beautiful, kind, great cook, good parent, great personality, etc...
But what if over the course of the years your spouse stopped being those things. Would you still love them? Your logical response would be "no". If your reasons for loving your spouse all have something to do with his or her qualities, then those same qualities suddenly or gradually disappear-your basis for love is over. 
The only way love can last a lifetime is if it's unconditional love. The truth is this: love is not determined by the one being loved, but rather by the one choosing to love. If a man says to his wife, "I have fallen out of love with you," he is actually saying, "I never loved you unconditionally to begins with." His love was based on feelings or circumstances rather than a commitment. "

   Wow! That is a hard pill to swallow! But it is often the hard truth. We are in a world where we are taught that we deserve instant gratification and if we don't receive that, then something's wrong.  We don't want to put in the hard, strenuous, emotionally draining work it takes to REALLY make a marriage survive, or we say we tried for awhile and it just didn't work, so we give up and get a divorce. We do it because we think we deserve better and think we can get better. (Grass is greener on the other side...sound familiar?) Now, I'm not saying don't ever get a divorce, God gives us a clear reason why divorce or separation is accepted (adultery and abuse). But, he also tells us how to treat each other in a marriage (with love and respect). When we go against that, the marriage starts to fall apart and then we sit here wondering what went wrong...

  I have gotten the same marriage advice from ever married couple I know....it's constant hard work! It's harder than anything you will ever do, but you need to remind yourself why you married your spouse and they are worth the fight! That's what finding and marrying your one and only is about, not the fairy tale...but wanting to fight for that person through all the crap that life is going to throw you. We all have a different story and different struggles, but we all have the same God loving us all equally and forgiving us for being imperfect.
Let's learn to love our spouse the way Christ loves us...unconditionally.



http://www.klove.com/blog/post/2010/01/15/Love-Dare-Day-10.aspx

Love Dare: Day 9 Love makes good impressions.

Today's Dare

Think of a specific way you'd like to greet your spouse today.  Do it with a smile and with enthusiasm.  Then determine to change your greeting to reflect your love for them.

   
   
   I have been waking up each morning with a renewed spirit, a purpose and a willingness to receive Gods love and his lessons for me that day. I honestly have been excited for the new day and what He has to teach me, eager to be His vessel of good work and example of what being "Christ like" really means. I am by no means perfect in this demonstration and have stumbled and will keep stumbling. When you allow yourself to be lead in a direction that is only for His glory and doing it with good intention and a willingness to be obedient to whatever it is that God is asking you, then even when you stumble, you can pick yourself up MUCH easier. 

   Today's dare is pretty simple, greet your spouse with enthusiasm and a smile....easy enough. 
I actually have been doing this everyday and making sure that I stay positive around him, even when I'm hurting deep down. It's not necessarily putting on a fake front, but through your kind actions, you change from the inside out. I now am generally happier! We can only be truly healed if it's from the inside out! I posted a link to one of my favorite songs talking about this exact thing below, it's beautiful! 

   Think about it this way, who honestly wants to come home to their spouse throwing up all their problems on them the minute they walk in the door?? I have been guilty of this sooooo many times! I'm so relieved the minute he walks in the door because I'm absolutely exhausted from the house work, daily errands, kids screaming, changing poopy diapers, have dinner ready, laundry done, and I'm trying not to fall apart at the seems... As a mom, this is a daily accurance and then it just starts all over again the next day. It's like being stuck in the movie "Groundhog Day" but with all of the above being thrown at you. Yeah you're lucky if you get time for a shower and brush your teeth....you know what I'm talking about ladies!! 
My husband has told me many times how he wants to be greeted when he gets home from a long day at work, sacrificing time away from his family to provide for us. He just wants to be loved! He wants a hug and a kiss. He wants to be greeted by his kids and see how their day went. Yes, he wants to hear about your frustrations and how you got peed on while potty training your son, but not in the first 5minutes he walks in the door. Give them time to breathe and sit for a second.
Your greeting and mood that you're in sets the mood for the rest of your evening that you get to spend together. So let's all try to make it a habit to greet one another with love, encouragement and let them feel valued and important.  :)


From the Inside out- Hillsong United
http://youtu.be/SZ-fghqc8Oo

http://www.klove.com/blog/post/2010/01/14/Love-Dare-Day-9.aspx

Honor your husband....

Wives, honoring your man is one of the best ways to show him you love him. He's not perfect, but giving honor is a great way to remind him of the man he is becoming.

Love Dare: Day 8 Love is not Jealous.

Today's Dare

Determine to become your spouse's biggest fan and to reject any thoughts of jealousy.  To help you set your heart on your spouse and focus on their achievements, take yesterday's list of negative attributes and discreetly burn it.  Then share with your spouse how glad you are about a success he or she recently enjoyed.


Today was a roller coaster of emotions. But I learned a big lesson through it....
DO NOT OVERSHADOW THE POSITIVE WITH NEGATIVE.

   As you can see first thing in the morning, I burned the list I made of negative things about my husband. I prayed with the list in my hand and asked God to help me release it and LET IT GO. I watched as it just burned away and didn't exist anymore. I felt a lot of peace afterwards. 
 I think we need to use this more often as a daily practice in our minds, just burn it away and let it go. The negative only exists in our minds if we hold onto it. If we keep it hidden to take out on another day as ammunition, because it's a deadly weapon!

As the day went on, we actually spent some alone time together, which was a huge step for both of us and I really enjoyed it! We didn't talk about our relationship, we just enjoyed being around one another (with no arguing), which was what we both needed. 
Last week, I had made us a marriage counseling appointment at our church and told him that I would respect his decision to come or not. He wasn't too happy I did that without asking him first, but I told him to just think about it. I was trying to take the initiative to do something to help both of us work through some problems from the past, so they don't have to keep coming up or bothering us and the past can be the past. That was my only intention...
He told me a few times that he probably wasn't going to show up because he wasn't ready, but since things have been really civil between us and we had just spent time together earlier in the day, I thought for sure he would be there. A 1/2 hour before our appointment, he text me and told me he wasn't coming. I was devastated! My expectations weren't met and I was really upset! We got into a little back and forth over text and he explained why, but I was still upset. I was disappointed.
 So, I went alone. 
  When I arrived, I was so flustered and just about cried, but I didn't. We prayed and talked about everything and when I left, I felt a lot better. Yes, it would've been nice to talk through some of the things that have been blocking me from moving forward, but I can't rush him. I have always wanted to fix things right away, but that's another of Gods lessons for me right now....patience. 
On the way home, I called and told him I was sorry for being upset, I was just disappointed. But I understand. 
Then, the lesson hit me....look at what happened today!? We actually spent quality time together and I need to focus on that achievement and not let one disappointment overshadow that. 

                                               Burn the negative away and LET IT GO!!

http://www.klove.com/blog/post/2010/01/13/Love-Dare-Day-8.aspx

http://www.fireproofthemovie.com

Love Dare: Day 7 Love Believes the Best

Today's Dare

For today's dare, get two sheets of paper.  On the first one, spend a few minutes writing out positive things about your spouse.  Then do the same with negative things on the second sheet.  Place both sheets in a secret place for another day.  There is a different purpose and plan for each.  At some point during the remainder of the day, pick a positive attribute from the first list and thank your spouse for having this characteristic.

   
   Today was a special day. I had a couple mini-victories! They may not seem big in someone else's eyes, but I know they were big steps for me and the way I'm learning to react to situations. I text my husband this morning and his response to something I sent him came off very rude to me and I wasn't expecting it at all. Considering we were talking the night before and everything was cheerful I thought. A couple weeks ago if this would've happened, I would have blown up at him right away and let it ruin my whole day. The difference this time was that I was prepared spiritually for anything negative, ready for rejection. I told him how his response came off and I hope his day gets better, to let God keep his heart open and that I loved him.  
He later explained to me that he was sorry what he said came off rude, that wasn't how he meant it. He was trying to let me know that he wants me to be "spirit lead" and not "emotion lead" when I send him things to read or watch.  He doesn't want to feel smothered or having things forced on him. That just because it inspired or touched me deeply, it doesn't mean it's meant for him as well. But, if I really feel like God is leading me to send him something specific, then go ahead.
    I understand where he's coming from and I told him Ive just been so happy and excited about the change God is doing and what I have been learning and he's the ONE person I want to share it with the most. 
That's where patience of healing comes in. I have to remind myself that this is a loooong process and that I can't have my best friend back right away. It's been along time since we have had that bond of friendship and it takes time to grow. 
    Later in the day I dropped our son off along with some groceries that I told him I would be getting for him just to help out, he seemed genuinely grateful! We had a nice hug, looked each other in the eyes and had a nice "moment" together. For a second, I saw my husband I have longed to be connected with for so long. 
I left with a huge smile on my face, butterflies in my stomache and my heart was full! 

         Onto today's dare....
To my surprise, the lists I had to make today about his "negative & positive attributes" were equally easy to make. If it was a couple weeks ago, the negative would have outweighed the positive tremendously! Haha! 
The difficult part was picking which one positive attribute to compliment him on. So I told him that I'm really proud of the father he has become and I love how much love he shows our kids and has been a great role model for them. That it hasn't gone unnoticed.
Also, that I'm sorry for not always taking the lessons he was trying to teach me more seriously and that I know he always has our best interest at heart. I apologized for not letting him lead our family more and always putting up a fight for things I didn't understand. That my trust and control issues have nothing to do with him, they have just been something I have always struggled with. 
He said thanks and we hung up.

   I wonder how many times Dads are told that they are doing a good enough job as fathers? Do they feel unappreciated as much as us Moms do?  Probably. 
I know for me, a compliment or praise can carry me through the whole week! I'm a person that loves a compliment and being praised for something I have chosen to do for another.  (I know we all do, just some of us more than others.)
What God has been teaching me so far is that we have to re-teach ourselves to do the kind things without praise. Only then will we learn true sacrificial love and actually it will make us happier too! 
We need to focus on our spouses positive instead of the negative. 
(Remind yourself of some of the reasons you married them!)

  We need to BELIEVE THE BEST in others and not become heart hardened.  It's so much easier said than done, especially when resentment and anger come sneaking their way into our minds and choose to camp out there for awhile. 

I challenge you today to compliment your spouse or a friend on something they would least expect. Who knows... maybe it will carry them throughout their stressed out day and make everything a little more bearable. 



http://www.klove.com/blog/post/2010/01/12/Love-Dare-Day-7.aspx

Love Dare: Day 6 Love is not Irritable

Today's Dare

Choose today to react to tough circumstances in your marriage in loving ways instead of with irritation.  Begin by making a list of areas where you need to add margin to your schedule.  Then list any wrong motivations that you need to release from your life.

   Today was a pretty positive day. I woke up early and got into the word right way, turned on my tv while getting ready for the day and the first thing that was on was a church sermon about "Not giving up". I thought was pretty ironic and funny! It was such I great message, I posted it here on my blog for you all to watch as well, earlier today. 

   Today's dare is about being irritable and how we choose to act in situations. I won't lie, writing the lists above that it requests, is a little difficult for me because we live apart. I'm not exactly sure where I can give more margin, maybe more space that he has been requesting of me. I definitely have some wrong motivations that I need to release...control of situations is a major one. Another is trying to fix things MY way right away. I get obsessive about it, if it's not fixed or I can't do anything about the situation right then, I get really upset and feel like I'm losing control. I think that's why it's taken me so long in my Christian walk to REALLY trust in Him and believe whole-heartedly that it's ok to let go, because God is in complete control and surrendering to that. Being content in it.

    To top that off, the message at church today was about anger. They go hand in hand. I have lost my temper so many times in my marriage! Speaking out of anger and hurt. The hurtful words are coming out of my mouth before I even think about how much it's going to affect my spouse. Human nature tells us to "get back" at the person that hurt us. It's the impulsive reaction of trying to get back at the other person and making them hurt as much as we are hurting. Voices are raised to get our point across to the other person. In reality, it just makes the recipient of your yelling "shut down" to not receive anything. There is no communication of talking and listening. It's just pure PRIDE and EGO. Thinking we are the one in the right and they are wrong. When we focus so much on our hurt feelings, it becomes nearly impossible to think clearly or logically. So we say and do things we don't mean and regret. 
We are ALL guilty of this. 

  I learned today that anger is a God given emotion. Anger is evidence of love and proves we care. We are rarely taught how to properly manage our anger though. We act out in the way we were shown as children, our parents are our first examples. What a huge responsibility that is as a parent!

 One thing my pastor said today that I really loved and laughed a little bit about is,
"You can't put your foot in your mouth, when it's closed."
That's so true! Think before you speak, it's so much easier said than done!

  In the bible, God talks about and teaches us a lot about anger and irritability. He knows this is something we ALL struggle with as imperfect humans.

Here are some examples:
-Hot tempers cause arguments (proverbs 15:18)
-Anger causes mistakes (proverbs 14:29)
-people with hot tempers, do foolish things (proverbs14:17)
-Don't provoke your family in anger or you will have nothing left (proverbs 11:29
- Control your tongue, be careful about what you say (psalm 141:3 & proverbs 20:1)
-Talk low and slow, releasing anger appropriately (Ephesians 4:26)

3 things to ask ourselves when we're irritable and angry:
1. Why am I feeling this way?
2. What do I really want? (What is not being fulfilled?)
3. How can I get it?

http://www.klove.com/blog/post/2010/01/11/Love-Dare-Day-6.aspx

Love Dare: Day 5 Love is Not Rude

 

Today's Dare

Ask your spouse to tell you three things that cause him or her to be uncomfortable or irritated with you.  You must do so without attacking them or justifying your behavior.  This is from their perspective only.

  I gave my husband this question on a piece of paper a few days ago so he would have time to honestly think about it and return it to me when it was time for me to read it on Day 5.....let me tell you, the last thing I want to hear is what I'm doing wrong in his eyes and why I'm making him uncomfortable and irritated. 

His answers were hard to read. 

  I knew that God was preparing me for them though over the last few days and they were going to be things I really needed to focus on and take honestly to heart. They were things he has voiced to me in the past, but out of anger and I didn't want to hear it and it wasn't said in a context of loving change. 
I think that makes a HUGE difference! You need to be READY to hear something to have change actually come from it. Otherwise, it's just in one ear and out the other because its said to you in the middle of an argument or a non-loving confrontation of some sort. 

  Over the last week especially, God has been working hard on my heart. Re-shaping it and rebuilding. I actually had a good conversation with him yesterday. Well, it was kinda just me telling him what I'm experiencing on this journey and understanding why God is bringing us through this and him listening. There was no argument, so I would call that a step forward in the right direction. Talking and listening. 
  The Lord has been throwing things at me constantly throughout the days to remind me of His work and blessings, to learn to give Him constant glory in it all. Even with the struggles. I honestly have so many reasons to just give up, really I do. Being rejected daily, feeling I'm not good enough and that I have majorly failed. Feeling completely unloved and that I should just let go and move on.
But God pulls on my heart and reminds me that I have so many more reasons to FIGHT! 
To NOT GIVE UP!

     My husband has shared with me that his faith has definitely suffered because of the struggles in our marriage. He used to have such an amazing relationship with God that it literally beamed out of him everywhere he went! He shined so brightly with his intimate relationship with God. It was one of the main reasons I married him! I told him I used to be so jealous of that, because I wanted that too, but I didn't understand the sacrifice and surrender it takes to get to that point.
     I feel like our roles have sort of reversed now. My faith is growing stronger and stronger each day and he is in a dark place. I feel immense guilt for this! I am partly responsible for being a part of taking a man, so strong in his faith to so low and constantly feeling like he can't move forward because the waves of life's problems are constantly crashing down on him, where he's not able to breathe and wants to give up completely. Now making him angry with me...and with God. That was not what i was suppose to do as his wife and in this I feel like I majorly failed. I am to lift him up and support him always. I didn't do these on a consistent basis and we were not united as we should have been.
I told him that I know this process is for him, just as much as it is for me.
  Another thing I'm learning is that in a marriage, you are both never putting in the same amount of work at the same time. It's rarely 50/50. Most of the time its always one doing more work than the other. We need to carry the other when they are weak because that's what Christ does for each of us, it's what he asks us to do for others, especially our spouses...

  It comes down to the major lesson that God wants us to experience with our spouses....
Sacrificial love..
Learn to love, expending NOTHING in return.
Only then can we truly grasp Christ's love for us.

God cannot remold us until he breaks us COMPLETELY down first.


http://www.klove.com/blog/post/2010/01/10/Love-Dare-Day-5.aspx