Love Dare: Day 17 Love Promotes Intimacy

Today's Dare

Determine to guard your mate's secretes (unless they are dangerous to them or you) and to pray for them.  Talk with your spouse, and resolve to demonstrate love in spite of these issues.  Really listen to them when they share personal thoughts and struggles with you.  Make them feel safe.

   It's funny that today was the intimacy chapter because a HUGE step forward was accomplished today. I went to his house for the 2nd day in a row to clean and just help out with whatever house things I could while he wasn't feeling well. I was there for a few hours and he went out to lunch with a close friend of ours. When he returned, he looked different. He looked lighter!

Then, out of nowhere while I was cleaning up in the kitchen, he came up to me and gave me a hug, a kiss then kissed my forehead and told me that he was really sorry for being so withdrawn from me.

I was in complete shock that he: 1. Initiated a hug and kissed me! 2. Actually apologized for being closed up and withdrawn. I just hugged him back tightly and told him it was ok and I forgive him. There was a million things running through my head and a million questions I wanted to ask, but I refrained from saying anything else. After he walked away, I was standing by the sink with the cleaning towel in my hand and I just prayed silently to God. I thanked Him so much for letting his heart start to heal and let some of his walls down. I was so excited inside that I could barely restrain the happiness that was filling my heart. I saw the light in my husbands eyes and it was beautiful!

   Todays dare is to guard your mates secrets and to pray for them. Listen to them and make them feel safe. We didn't talk a whole lot, but actions speak louder than words. I know he is finally allowing God to start healing his heart and letting his guard down. It wasn't on my time, it is on God's time.

   After having a really bad week just recently and feeling like I failed, this was the confirmation that I needed that God is doing His work, even when we can't see it. I see things unfolding before my eyes that God had planned so He could mold me and make me only rely on His strength and not my own. I had so many doubts, was so discouraged and thought it was hopeless at times. That I could never show my husband enough love for him to CHOOSE to love me back. I have been reminding him since we separated that I don't want a divorce and that I'm not giving up on him or our marriage. God is on our side and as long as I'm doing the Lords will, I can't go wrong and I will win.

  Reading deeper into this chapter, it's more than just physical intimacy that they're talking about it. It's the relationship between a husband and wife as a whole. They say, "Marriage is the most intimate of all relationships." To find someone that will love you despite your imperfections, weaknesses and baggage. To be honest, I felt like I came into our marriage carrying suitcases of "baggage". He had a lot of his own as well. We both had to learn quickly to deal with each other's loads....it wasn't easy at all and some of it is why we are where we are today. Separated. We didn't communicate well, didn't pour into each other and be our spouses #1 cheerleader when the going got tough. We ended up being on different teams and fighting against one another. It didn't happen overnight, it happened over years. The intimacy, trust and connection was gone and we were bloodied and bruised from all the hurt we caused each other from the long battle. The person we were the most "naked" and vulnerable with caused us the most immeasurable pain we had ever experienced from another human being and we didn't know if we could ever heal because the pain was so deep.
   Now is the time to work on the healing. It's painful, but necessary. It's going to take a lot of time and there will be mistakes again, because we are imperfect humans, but I so strongly believe that God will make us each stronger people and more humble servants to each other and to our Lord.

  Here is a song that has been really inspiring, Reminding me of our purpose.

Sanctus Real -Whatever You're Doing
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iN9J8eqKovY

http://www.klove.com/BLOG/post/2010/01/22/Love-Dare-Day-17.aspx

Love Dare:Day 16 Love Intercedes

Today's Dare

Begin praying today for your spouse's heart.  Pray for three specific areas where you desire for God to work in your spouse's life and in your marriage.

 My husband hasnt been feeling well lately, so I decided I would go to his house today with my son and help him with some house chores. I ended up cleaning the kitchen, doing the dishes & taking out the garbage before I had to leave for work. I find myself really enjoying doing things for him, even if he tells me there is nothing he needs help with (which is usually the case).  He is still pretty distant toward me, but I try not to let it bother me too much. I remind myself it's baby steps. I know he isn't himself right now and he has been in a dark place for along time and the only way to help him out of that is to remind him how much I love him and that God loves him. To not give up on him, because God never gives up on us.

   I love how the first paragraph in this chapter talk about how we want so badly for our spouses to change, here it is...
"You cannot change your spouse. As much as you may want to, you cannot play God and reach into their heart and mold them into what you want them to be. But that's what most couples spend a large part of their time trying to do- change their spouse."
 We have both been very guilty of this and nothing but frustration has been the result.

   Since I started this journey, I have never relied on prayer so much to get me through tough moments and days.  I mean REALLY desperately praying and listening for the still, small voice. Now, it's the first thing I do every morning before my feet hit the floor. I pray multiple times a day and think about God more than I ever have. I pray in the car, when I'm at work, and throughout the day thanking My creator for a certain circumstance that just happened. He needs to be constantly on our minds. We need to become Christ obsessed. That's the only way to stay centered and living out our entire day fully in His presence and doing His will, not our own. To be "on fire" for God and stay completely focused on the Holy Spirit working through each of us. It's so difficult. It takes complete surrender and goes against everything we want to do as sinful, selfish people. Like my husband has asked me many times before and it's a good reminder for us all..."am I being emotion lead or spirit lead?" Most of us react to situations being emotion lead. We get angry, we snap back, we get the last word, we send the next rude text back, we yell, we fight, we are sarcastic, we are lead by our emotions.
To be (holy) spirit lead allows us to hold back and think before reacting. To say something kind in response to a negative comment. To do kind acts even when we don't feel like it. To not let our ego and pridefulness take control.

  This chapters dare asks to pray for 3 specific areas where you desire for God to work in your spous life and your marriage. Here are my answers:
1. I pray that God can heal his heart and help him love me again to start being vulnerable and not withdrawn from me.
2. That we both can be more affectionate toward each other and welcome each other's love.
3. That we can forgive one another for past hurts and let go of resentments.



http://www.klove.com/blog/post/2010/01/21/Love-Dare-Day-16.aspx

Love Dare: Day 15 Love is Honorable

Today's Dare

Choose a way to show honor and respect to your spouse that is above your normal routine.  It may be holding the door for her.  It might be putting his clothes away for him.  It may be the way you listen and speak in your communication.  Show your mate that he or she is highly esteemed in your eyes.

  Since starting the Love Dare, I have been following the dares on the website:
http://lovedarestories.com/pages/lovedarepages/TheDares.aspx
To my surprise, I see mostly couples that are broken up, marriages that are ending and one of the spouses (like myself) takes on this big journey of one last thing that will hopefully save their marriage....sound familiar? It's sad to read their journals everyday, because I see our marriage in every single hopeless, broken story. You can feel the desperation, deep pain and longing of the one trying so hard to hang on to the one last thread that's fraying quickly, the only thing holding them together is about to snap. Please read them if you get the opportunity. They are 1st hand accounts of marriage today. The honest reality is painful, but there are glimmers of hope. God's light shining through and healing hearts. People trusting and surrendering to love more than they ever have in their lives. 

  Today, I saw my husband for just a short time, but asked him a serious question. I told him I really respect his opinion and even though he thinks I'm not listening at times, I do. 
I asked him how he used to keep himself focused on Gods word and stayed "on fire" for The Lord and kept that passion and intimacy consistent everyday. I told him there are days I wake up feeling so "Christ centered" and others days, I feel so far away from God. 
He said, "I've had those days too and on the days when you feel far from God, it's because you are. You aren't keeping Him as your focus and you're doing things your way, not His. To stay focused and "on fire" for our Lord is very difficult and takes a lot of work. It's takes discipline. Our marriage will never be back together until you learn to completely sacrifice yourself to Gods will and trust Him."

   They were heavy words to leave with. A lot to digest and think about. My husband is really wise (and stubborn, haha!)  He has already gone through where I am now, this journey of complete surrender to trust in God's will for your life. He lost his way as well, but he knows what it takes to get there again. I have learned so much from him and continue too all the time. I look up to and respect him for so many reasons.
I miss my best friend, my partner. I'm glad that he will always be a part of me, to continually teach me. Even through the heartache. 



http://www.klove.com/blog/post/2010/01/20/Love-Dare-Day-15.aspx

Love Dare:Day 14 Love takes Delight

Today's Dare

Purposefully neglect an activity you would normally do so you can spend quality time with your spouse.  Do something he or she would love to do or a project they'd really like to work on.  Just be together.

   For the last few days, our son has been sick with pneumonia and a double ear infection so I have literally been house bound in my sweats nursing him back to health with little to no sleep, so I haven't been able to read and write as much as I would like. Today, my husband stopped by my house to hang out for a bit, check on our son and we watched a movie and he left. Pretty simple, didn't talk much. Just being around each other...I keep reminding myself, it's baby steps. So my dare was accomplished!
I wanted so badly to cuddle with him on the couch how we used to, the way our bodies fit perfectly together and just be...Instead, we're sitting on separate couches and yearning for that closeness. (well, atleast I am)

   I don't know what goes through his mind when we're around each other because he's very withdrawn. My mind is always racing the minute he is in my vicinity and I have butterflies in my stomache. (I feel like I'm in high school and crushing on the varsity football player that doesn't know I exist, haha!) Wanting so badly to just hug and kiss him and hold him close...but instead, we give a casual hug goodbye, the same you would give an aquaintance you don't know well. It's gotten less awkward though. Haha!
I hate it. It kills me. I long for him so much and miss seeing his face first thing in the morning waking up next to me.
I remind myself everyday that this is a part of the process that God is having me go through. Stripping me of my wants, my comfort, my life. Not letting me get comfortable. To rely on My God fully. To look to Him to receive the love I need.


http://www.klove.com/blog/post/2010/01/19/Love-Dare-Day-14.aspx

Gluten Free Banana Nut Bread

   We just found out that our 3yr.old son has Celiac Disease (on top of Type 1 Diabetes) so we will be changing to a Gluten Free diet. His specialist described it to us like this... when you have this disease, one side effect of it is an allergy to gluten. Gluten is in wheat (breads and pastas) and when you eat it, it makes your small intestine irritated & swollen. This causes your body to not break down and absorb the vitamins and nutrients from your food to go into your body. So, no matter how healthy you eat, you aren't absorbing anything your body needs to grow and to build up your immune system. Hence, why he has been so sick! I'm glad we have this all figured out, but it's just more for us to take on with his health. I am so grateful that he has diseases that we can manage and he isn't in a hospital somewhere all the time.
   So, with that being said, I am learning all about the gluten free change in our eating fast! So I will be posting any good ones I have tried and taste good!

Below is a recipe a friend of mine gave me and I changed it a little, so it's a healthier version.
You can use the recipe as a base for ANY bread, just switch out the fruit and nuts and change to anything else you want to use. I love this recipe because whatever fruit I use, it always comes out super moist and yummy! Enjoy!

GLUTEN FREE BANANA NUT BREAD
-3 cups Gluten Free Flour
-1 tsp. Salt
-1 tsp. Baking Soda
-3 tsp. Cinnamon
-1/2 tsp Baking Powder
-2 cups Sugar (I used 1cup Truvia baking blend)
-3 eggs
-1 cup canola oil
-3 tsp Vanilla Extract
-2 cups Bananas mashed (or any fruit)
-1 cup chopped Nuts (I used Walnuts)

Preheat oven to 350.
Sift dry ingredients (except sugar) together in large bowl, set aside.
Beat eggs in another bowl, add oil and sugar, mix until creamed. Add bananas and vanilla.
Add wet ingredients to dry, then add in nuts last. Pour into greased loaf pan.
Bake 25-30 min or until light brown on top.

Makes 2 medium size loafs.

Love Dare:Day 13 Love Fights Fair

Today's Dare

Talk with your spouse about establishing healthy rules of engagement.  If your mate is not ready for this, then write out your own personal rules to "fight" by.  Resolve to abide by them when the next disagreement occurs.

 Conflicts in marriage are inevitable. After last weeks catastrophes, I knew those were tests of what I've learned so far. I felt like I failed and was disappointed in both of us. Being this chapter is about fighting fair, I knew there was huge lessons to learn how to move forward from this. God is always doing something in the conflict. 

Here is an excerpt from this chapter that I re-read a few times and meditated on:
"The deepest, most heartbreaking damage you'll ever do (or have ever done) to your marriage will most likely occur in the thick of conflict. That's because this is when your pride is strongest. Your anger is hottest. You're the most selfish and judgmental. Your words contain the most venom. You make the worst decisions." 

  A marriage can be great one day and take a nose dive the next and before you know it, it's out of control. This chapter helps you set up "boundaries" for when those times occur. I gave my husband a copy of this chapter and had written down that 2 of my personal boundaries would be to 1. extend grace to him (forgive, let things go & cut him some slack) and 2. be empathetic (try to see things from his point of you).  These are things I hope he grants to me as well, because we all deserve both.

     I brought my Bible to work yesterday so I could read during my lunch break and God sent me a VERY clear message about failure. I was actually really surprised about how many times he talks about failure and not giving up.

Here are some "go to" verses that really stood out to me and hopefully will help you during those times of constant stumbling. Remember that God never let's go....
-"For though the righteous fall seven times, they rise up again."  (Proverbs 24:16)
- "My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my forever portion. (Psalm 73:26)
-"The Lord makes firm the steps of the one who delights in Him; he will not fall, for the Lord upholds him with His hand." (Psalm 37:23-24)

  I love how God reminds us that even the righteous will will stumble and fall down, but we were never meant to stay down. We teach this lesson to our children when they are young and fall on the playground...and have to keep reminding ourselves this lesson as adults.
In getting up, we are choosing to move past the struggle and hurt. We are never going to be perfect. We need to accept our weaknesses and become more dependent on God's strength, not our own.
  This past week He has reminded me that I am a work in progress. That I am a woman that is BECOMING all He wants me to be. I am growing and I am not perfect. I am not where I want to be, but I am further than I was....


http://www.klove.com/blog/post/2010/01/18/Love-Dare-Day-13.aspx

Love Dare: Day 11 &12

  I'm a little behind on the blog, so I'm doing a few days together here. 
I'm not gonna lie, this past week was a tough one. I let life situations get the best of me and lost my focus and the strength I built. I have been really hard on myself because of this, but I knew this was coming. 
That's a part of the journey. God can't mold us on the easy days...


Day 11: Love Cherishes

What need does your spouse have that you could meet today?  Can you run an errand?  Give a back rub or foot massage?  Is there housework you could help with?  Choose a gesture that says, "I cherish you" and do it with a smile.

For today's dare I knew I had to work all day, so I planned ahead and did something for him a few days prior. On that day we got to spend some alone time together and it was really nice!


http://www.klove.com/blog/post/2010/01/16/Love-Dare-Day-11.aspx

Day 12: Love Lets the Other Win

Demonstrate love by willingly choosing to give in to an area of disagreement between you and your spouse.  Tell them you are putting their preference first.

  It's funny that this is the challenge today! Haha!  This day started off bad from the start. We had planned an outting with our kids and we had started bickering from the first text sent in the morning. I thought he was coming off rude from something I said and it just snow balled from there. Our kids had a great time and I'm glad we had that opportunity to bring them out together! That is one thing I am SO grateful for! Our family time is priceless to me now because I rarely get to spend time with both of them together and it's important they see us together still as a family, because we will always be one. (Even on the days we aren't getting along as good as we'd like.) Our kids are so amazing and deserve our best! 
I had a talk with my step-daughter on our way to church the following day and told her how much I loved Daddy and that I was working really hard to get our family back together because that is what God wants me to do and talked to her about obedience and even though we may not feel like doing nice things for someone because they hurt us, it's important to forgive and be kind.
 It's hard to explain hard life lessons to a 6 year old.  Haha! 
She seemed pretty happy about it all and asked questions about the Love Dare and asked, if at the end I had to hand it in to someone and get graded on it...I told her God grades it and sees how we change. 

  Over the previous few days, I felt like everything I had been working hard toward just went down the toilet. I started letting all my fears, insecurities, hurt and resentment toward him get the best of me. All the things that went wrong in our marriage and all the hurtful things he has said to me in the past (and negative things I have said to him out of my hurt as well) were being repeated in my mind for about 3 days and I became unfocused and lost my strength.  I started losing my patience with him and relying on my own strength to get through the day, instead of relying on God's. That was a huge mistake. 
  I kept thinking, "why am I doing this? If he really loved me unconditionally, he would never give up on our marriage. Am I not good enough to fight for? This is pointless..." 
It was all like a record of wrongdoings on repeat...over and over and over again. It's hard to heal when there are so many unresolved issues that we still need to work through. Hence, why I wanted so badly for us to meet for counseling last week, but he decided not to come. I knew there were things still blocking me from moving forward on my journey. 
  Soooo, with day 12 being a disaster, I decided to do that day over again. So yesterday was a lot better than the day before, but not perfect and it didn't end how I wanted it. But that's life, right? I prayed a lot last night and again when I woke up this morning. I prayed for God to renew my spirit, help me regain focus and help me work through all my unresolved hurts. 
 The lesson today just reminded me of how passionate we both are about our opinions and we definitely still have a lot of work to do in learning how to communicate and compromise better. Patience is a never ending lesson that we will have to keep re-learning our whole lives. 


http://www.klove.com/blog/post/2010/01/17/Love-Dare-Day-12.aspx